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Friday, July 11, 2008

Hearbreaks in silence

Heartbreaks in silence. That is the poignant title of a wonderful piece written by a gay friend of mine. Yes, he is homosexual. He is talented. He is caring. He is passionate about his art, his beliefs. He is my friend. Enjoy...


In response to all the homophobic Bernama articles out there telling me how evil it is being gay, and to prelude our upcoming Seksualiti Merdeka celebrations, I hereby offer this long post taken from my "personals" profile on, with which I break the hearts of the men of Malaysia, and then seduce them.

Amazingly, I had my first erection when I was 7. It came from like nowhere. Wah, I thought, a new toy! Like a transformer robot - from a little teapot into a space rocket! Papa! Mummy! Look at my transformer! "Ah boy, put away your toy, we have visitors."

I really didn't know how to play with my new toy until I was 12 when a classmate and I went went to the toilet behind school to compare sizes (wah, you so big; no lah, you bigger - bloody hell, it's a tie!). "Come," he said, "let's goncang together." What is goncang? I asked. "There you shake it like that." Oh, so that is what "goncang" means, I said. Um, I don't feel anything lah. "You just keep shaking. You will feel it." Eh, so boring, man, I see you back in class. In class, we continued comparing sizes under the table, right under the teacher's nose.

When I was 14, I left Malacca and studied in Singapore. I was living in a hostel, and I found a way to always end up sleeping in other boys' beds. They taught me to masturbate (ooh, so that's what happens when you keep shaking it!), or let me touch them while they pretended to sleep ("Hey, stop touching me please, and stop pretending to be asleep."). Well, I touched a few, and fell in love with many. But I never told anyone my feelings, and so in silence my heart broke over and over.

Who could I tell anyway? I was short and awkward and easy to bully. Are the guys in my batch so mean because I am ugly and stupid or because they know I am hopelessly in love with them and they find it funny? Is this going to be my life, heartbreaks in silence?

Frightened of the demons in me and feeling desperately alone, I ran to jesus and prayed to be normal. "Just as I am without one plea, but that thy blood was shed for me." For 12 years I wanted to be like all the rest of god's chosen ones, everyone so perfect, arms raised to heaven, secrets buried under their songs. I felt even more alone.

Unable to concentrate on my studies, I started skipping classes and going for movies at Orchard Road. At the movies, as in the novels, I found one thing: the world is full of loners. From The Last Emperor to the live poets of Dead Poets Society to the replicants in Blade Runner to the cuckoos in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. And of course, Yentl! Sometimes these loners are loved for who they are, sometimes they don't know it till it's too late. They discover that their truths are not the same as society's truths. And that it's okay. It's okay to be alone. Especially when society is not okay.

So it was a whole decade of trying to be straight and struggling with my "sins" before I finally asked myself the question without answer: What is so wrong with loving another man?

Pastor said, the bible says so. I said, yes, but why is the bible saying so without giving a goddam good reason?

Here we have spent all our lives curing our loneliness by joining different crowds -- at the church, the mosque, the malls, the clubs -- when ultimately the only way to deal with being alone is to be alone.


1. Alone, I learned that faith, identity and truth are all constructed in the mind - and they are largely determined by the crowds around us. History and geography and biology conspired to form our gods.

2. Here's what I believe: Whatever you believe becomes true to you. So you might as well believe in everything. Or nothing at all.

3. So it was my desire to be with another man that slowly lead me to think the unthinkable: What if we are truly alone in this universe? Our desires for connection are born not of that seed planted by god to lead us back to him, but of a genetic code that enables the species to survive. The species is the goal. I am not important. I will be forgotten. My aloneness is complete. No one else can live my life for me, die my death for me.

4. I alone must decide what this life means and keep searching. I came out at 26. I can now begin to like who I am. If guys like me for who I am, lucky me.

5. But for people who have a problem with who I am, I realise it is their problem, not mine. They should see a shrink.

6. Breeders and their children live to consume the earth's limited resources; so much misery born everyday, so many hungry mouths asking why -- why are we here? Why is the universe such a lonely place?

7. But me and my kind, we are just trying to spread some love around, make it beautiful while we are here. Laying in each other's arms, perhaps we will find our answers. Or we will find better questions. Perhaps the universe can wait. In the continuum of each other's arms, time holds us in a bubble even as we float towards the night's horizon. And if our bubble should burst, we still have our memories, and the ocean and the stars. One day, these too shall burst. All our efforts at procreation, survival, continuation, becomes pointless. And all the things that once seemed unproductive will become most meaningful.

8. I hope that one day we will learn to move beyond our fears. We shouldn't have to walk around with our parents and all the idiots of society sitting on our backs, making decisions for our lives. Life is short enough, don't live halfway. So go ahead. Grab his hand. Down that street. You know it can't be wrong.

9. If you believe that love is not a crime, don't act like a criminal. Don't hide. Don`t be ashamed of it, don`t pretend to be straight, don`t join in when idiots make jokes about gays, don`t dislike others for being chubby or skinny or campy or promiscuous, be proud of your friends for all their shapes and preferences, fight for diversity, fuck as much or as little as you want (but be careful with your heart, and the hearts of those who trust you). And most of all, don't be silent when you see injustice, when you see hate.

10. There are many idiots in this life. They are idiots because idiots like us allow them to make life difficult for us. Don`t let them. You are who you are. But don't worry if who you are now is not yet who you want to be. There's a transformer in all of us, with the capacity to learn, and evolve, and be extraordinary.

11. Love yourself. You are alright, babe.

12. And yes, I have a boyfriend now. It's been three amazing years. We complement each other's aloneness. Life is short, people can't be owned, and love has to be shared. So talk to me, babe. :)

...................................Pang KHEE Teik from his facebook notes here.

After reading all the comments that came in for this particular post I thought that you all might find the following essay an interesting read...

Buggered by the Victorians

By Farish A. Noor

Malaysias political climate has become somewhat predictable of late, and the seasons come and go with yawn-inducing regularity: Once in a while we will have the amok season when tempers are raised and emotions flare; then to be overtaken by the Who Buggered My Arse season which can be likewise amusing. It is only a matter of time before Malaysia as a nation is filed under the category of exotic and incomprehensible of the index of failed postcolonial states, and I for one, hope to be happily decamped in some hot humid steamy jungle retreat living in a treehouse surrounded by babes in sarongs and an orangutan as my butler/batsman/driver and doorman...

Until that day comes however it would be nice to take a break from the madness that passes itself as Malaysian politics to consider the historical paths that were taken which led us to this sordid mess we see in our country today.

Lets start with buggery, which is a pleasant enough topic for dinnertime conversation with friends and enemies alike.

Now as we all know Malaysians are a lot of randy bum-bandits and pillow-chewers. This is true for those who have been following our politics and politicians over the past couple of weeks and who have not been able to secure a private bunker for themselves to escape the crass puerile drivel that is sold as news in this country. Ol Anwar has been accused of sodomy again, or in this case sodomising. In the counter-allegations against his nemesis in UMNO, arse-raiding was likewise mentioned along with other allegations including murder and fraud.

Now why is it that Malaysians have become so paranoid about the very simple, and dare I posit, universal phenomenon of butt-humping? Where does this fear come from and how has it become so sedimented in our collective national consciousness?

Lets not waste time to talk about moral values, religion, holy commandments etc as we all know that this is part of a wider and more serious political contest that is being played out before the public eye. Yet allegations of corruption, abuse of power, meddling with the institutions of the state or even cavorting with bomohs and witchdoctors do not elicit the same sort of Victorian response we see from the Malaysian public today. And indeed, Victorian values are precisely part of the problem.

Taking time to walk down our countrys tortured historical path brings us to the less than pleasant period of nasty colonial rule. Now the colonialists who ruled over us did not simply build towns and bridges. For those colonial towns - like Georgetown, Ipoh and Kuala Lumpur - were also racially segregated enclaves where the logic of racialised capitalism was put to work; hence the creation of racialised ghettoes like Chinatown, Little India, Kampung Melayu, etc.

Part and parcel of this process of colonisation was the ideological and cultural reconstruction of the native other as that barbaric, lewd and randy Asian native who had to be kept at bay. Thrown into the Orientalist mentalscape were a host of other native pathologies that were thought to account for why the Asian colonial subjects were so odd and inferior: The pathologisation of the phenomenon of amok was one such case, where the Malays in particular were cast as an unstable and dangerous lot.

Linked to this was the late Victorian prudish mindset that regarded sex and sexuality as a necessary evil at best - and often messy too - or worse, something downright decadent, indecent and a threat to Western civilisation. Much of the Orientalist nonsense that came from the pens of Orientalist writers like Florence Caddy and Anna Leonowens then cast the Asians as a degenerate, over-sexed and over-heated lot of perverts, sodomites and womanisers. The uptight and anal temper of the Victorian mind, transplanted from the insipid climes of Blighty onto the humid and fluid terrain of a verdant Asia, allowed this imaginary to literally run riot.

This accounts for the many rules and laws, both written and unwritten, that governed race relations between the white colonisers and the Asian natives then. The laws against sodomy and other things fun and fantastic like rimming, blowjobs, etc. came at a time when Western Europeans were themselves deeply frustrated and anxious about their place in the global racialised hierarchy of power and dominance. To lose control of their libido in front of the natives was simply not on, not a thing to do when Abu the butler was meant to be serving you Gin stengahs in your white linen pants on the verandah.

Oddly enough, this Victorian mindset has prevailed in many of the postcolonial states like India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Malaysia and Singapore even long after the sun of the Empire has set and the former colonial masters have kicked the bucket. Western Europeans today look back at their prudish ancestors with amusement and curiousity, and happily bugger the night away in the safe comfort that love and lovemaking are, after all, private matters that do not concern the state.

It is we postcolonial pseudo-independent subjects, however, who seem to have internalised the Victorian morals and mores deeper than anyone, and even without the benefit of the obligatory pipe and monocle, seem happy to prattle on about moral decay and the collapse of civilisation; despite the fact that the politics of the developing world hardly passes as civilised by any standards. So what on earth has happened and why do we maintain these laws that were an anomaly in the first place, and patently historically outdated today? Are we still mentally captive to the morality of the late Victorians of the 19th century that we cannot even see that what passes as the moral laws of the third world today happen to be the very same laws of the age of Empire?
...............Dr. Farish A. Noor



Anonymous said...

I've always known that you have gay tendencies Pat. Nothing wrong with that, but I've known it way back in Music Machine days...

Good on you mate!

Isaac said...

Dear Anonymous of 12.38am, what do you mean 'gay tendencies' just because Patrick has gay friends? I find your ".....Nothing wrong with that..." extremely condescending. Puhleez. There are millions of straights out there who are cool with gays and just because they are cool with gays do not mean that they have gay tendencies or whatever tendencies. I have tranvestites and transexuals friends. So, I have tendency to be tranvestite? Gee, I suggest you go back to the cave from whence you came from, never to emerge again and spare me your condescencion.

Patrick, thanks for that piece of writing from that friend of yours. From the heart and excellent.

donplaypuks® said...

Dear Patrick

The Love That Dares Not Speak Its Name!

It's been around since the begining of time. It's just that we (straight people)have great difficulty understanding or coping with the unknown.

But if we could all put our prejudices aside and imagine that it was our brother or sister. Or worse still, your hero-worshipping son or daughter whom you once used to rush home from work to, to play and frolick with. Imagine they are gay. And we find out about it early or later in life. What are you going to do. Boot out and shun the people who love you unreservedly, and whom you have loved all your life?

No way!!

Gays are humans, one of our kind, whatever holy books may say and whether it is genetic or nurtured.

We treat dogs, cats, fish, gerbils and hamsters with dignity and take care of them and feed and wash them lovingly. Some even have pigs and goats as pets.

Yet we can't love or care for another human being because of his sexual inclination and preferences?

It's all a question of mind over matter. Every gay is someone's son or daughter or brother or sister.

Open your hearts and let the love flow!!

ps ignore that scurrilous & unworthy remark of that ignoramus Anonymus above

Khun Pana said...

Lets be fair.
If malaysian can have Azalina lesbo as a minister , why the hell screws everybody else.
Because she is umno?

If the former chief of Malacca can have sex romps with a minor , why not everybody else.( case closed with Lim guen eng going to jail)
Because he is umno?

If Jamaluddin Jarjis can "raba-raba" young girls buttocks , why not everybody else . ( case closed with nothing happened)
Because he is umno?

If the Happy Penis from Klang aka Zakar-sukaria can built a palace.
Why not everybody else.
( case was never started and thanks goodness he is 6 feet underground )
Because he is umno.

It is not about gay,lesbo, homo or whatever, it is all about umno.
see the double standard?
Not about religion too, as people have the tendencies to fake and bends religion to their whims and fancies.

jen said...

The colour of the font used hurts my eyes...could you kinly change?:-)

Anonymous said...

Diversity makes a society smart and successful. If idiots marry idiots all the time, don't expect Einsteins. Most western societies have recognised this truth and accepted Gays and Lesbians as equal, useful and respected citizens. Remember that it was the West (Britain) that made homosexuality a crime in many Asian countries.So that had to have good reasons for the change in attitude.

Many Gays and Lesbians are very creative people who can contribute more than their fair share if allowed to live in peace and dignity. Will Malaysia change? I hope so.
But do you know that Australia and other western nations do give refuge to persons whoa re subjected to discrimination because of their sexuality?
It is hard to give up your homeland but it is just as hard to live in an oppresive society. And No, I'm not a gay. And Yes, I only changed my attitude after seeing Gays leading useful lives in my adopted country. I opened my eyes and my heart. I 'm a better human being for that now.

Anonymous said...

Dear Pat,
It's not a story to be "enjoyed". It's rather a sad tale, tragic, I think, of a person looking for love in all the wrong places and getting his heart broken over and over. I do not condemn or judge him for his chosen lifestyle, but I do pray that he may find peace and true love in this life.

Shiok Guy said...

I am a heterosexual man and I have a few homosexual couple (gay couple) friends since the university day in New Zealand.

I found that Gay or Lesbian are more compassion and caring, may be they realized that they have to live in such stigma and appreciate life more.

When they are more Gay around, it provide a healthy competition for heterosexual women. Hence we heterosexual men are more demand or face with less competition. Good for us! We will be spoiled with choices.

Read about an article by NoLabel in this Stylo Mum Claptrap

More More of My friend are becoming GAY

Check out the comment section by Chong Yong Wei and his link to Gay blog. Please do give him the support for his blog

Shiok Guy

Nostradamus said...

Jeyklls and Hydes in Malaysia. Are you?

Malaysians in dilemma? So many events and news both real and unreal. Don’t know who to believe? Bombarded with too much spins. These are the quotes, we now hear.

“Give up”, “Fed up”, “Wait and See”, “Lost interest”, “Headache”, “Cannot believe anyone”, “Who to believe ah?”, “Niamah”, “Pening kepala”, “Pening otak”, “Sudah lah”, “Pi mampus”, “Insyallah (God Willing)” or raise your palm and fist and put them together on National tv or or or or other blogs.

Why? Because it depends on what you want to perceive and your bias toward your own race, color, religion, party, groups, interests, superiority or plain dumbness.

That makes you something of a Jeykll and Hyde if you can’t differentiate between facts and fictions, good and evil, right and wrong, true or false. Too many Malaysians can’t decide now whether to become Jeykll or whether to become Hyde or when to become Jeykll or when to become Hyde.

Think hard and search your conscience from deep within and “Viola” you can differenciate between Night from Day. Throw out bias towards race, creed, superiority, affiliations, religion and beliefs, greed, power, cronyism etc and then see whether some of the things happening around is right or wrong , true or false, evil or good, facts or fiction.

1. Altantuya was killed and blown to bits. (Fact or Fiction).
2. Sodomy is as evil as murder. (True or False).
3. Anyone accused are innocent until proven guilty. (True or False).
4. Statutory Declarations and Police reports can be made to fool people. (True/False).
5. Anyman or woman will swear on his religion or beliefs to save his own skin. (True/False).
6. Race superiority is needed to rule Malaysians. (Fact or Fiction).
7. Religious superiority is needed to rule Malaysians. (Fact or Fiction).
8. All poor people need to be helped by Government. (True or False).
9. Corruption is a fact of life and should be tolerated. (Fact or Fiction).
10. ISA is needed because prevention is better than cure. (Fact or Fiction).
11. Free education is a right for all Malaysian children. (True or False).
12. Free healthcare is a right of all Malaysians. (True/False).
13. Free speech is a right of all Malaysians. (True/False).
14. Freedom of religions and beliefs is a right of all Malaysians. (True/False).
15. Liberty is a right of all Malaysians. (True/False).
16. All Malaysians and the world can be converted to a single culture, religion, race in future. (Fact or Fiction).

To be continued……


ironman said...

some gives up on straight relationship due to hurt or rejection in their pass relationship or even been abused when they were young that kind of affected their outlook in life..

ironman said...

I m here to gives my 2 cents worth,u dont have to far as i am concern,there is 0nly 2 type of sex..look yourself in the mirror.and u will know which sex u belong what happen along d way..? i believe its a curiosity that turn to desire and desire turn into experiments,experiments becomes habit and habits becomes strongholds and strongholds become second nature..once it becomes second nature and they enjoy that kind of lifestyle,they gives up on trying to fight this problem and began to accept this as part of life..and tells everybody else its is normal to be gay/lesbian..its similiar to drug addiction..u just dont get addicted happens over the years..once u r too entrenched in it,u find it is almost impossible to gives up..unless some higher power n very,very strong self dicipline..i am not here to judge or condemn any gay/lesbian..but i am saying its a sickness that can be overcome just like drug addiction,pornographic,or any other normail "sins"..the question is how serious n how committed u r in wanting to overcome this problem..most people will find the easier way out by just accepting that its is part of life..if u cant beat them,join them kind of mentality..n btw,science have not proove that there is this gay gene in any one of us..maybe excess of certain hormone yes,from the foods that we eats..but it surely not some born into gay/lesbian third sex other than men or women..

Antares said...

Sexuality has been a taboo subject for many generations. Patriarchies like it that way because it generates billions in pornography and can be used as a political weapon. Actually, attacking people for their sexual preferences is the ultimate red herring. A country where censors allow children to watch people killing each other on TV - but ban simple acts of affection like kissing or lovemaking is definitely psychotic!
To compare Anwar Ibrahim with Najib Razak is simply outrageous: one has been accused of liking young men's plump behinds, the other prefers succulent young Mongolian beauties. However, Anwar's accuser is not only walking around with a smile on his face but is engaged to be married to a bimbo; while Najib's paramour is now just a cloud of free-floating atoms - all because she helped him buy a bunch of submarines and demanded fair payment! I leave you to decide whose alleged offence is the more serious one.

r3vanché said...

I got lots of gay friends too.

Well I'm not but I see nothing is wrong with that, sometimes even feel that they're very brave.

Good luck to all of them who strive the success of freedom in Malaysia.

Anonymous said...

really tiu nia sing, hi, people, you all got nothing to discuss???this topic is lousy!!

Dr Lee

Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous Dr Lee, yep i agree with u. Furthermore, injecting politics into a wholly religio-socio-cultural conundrum is the pits of farce.
The professionals(me included) that deal with such issues understand the skewed apologetics and ideation that these 'chosen' ones use to justify their behavior. Enuff said, Dr. Psycho.

Jimmy said...

Thanks for this Patrick. Hope this will enlighten the homophobes. I am not sure education or social status has got much to do with homophobic attitude. Anecdotal evidence: Hard wired Tories peers/lords etc. in the UK are no less homophobic than the learned, respected folks in Malaysia quoted in the Bernama piece :). Compared them with my dead granny (bless her), no formal education (I think) and just a peasant mother of 9 children :), I doubt she would spout such hatred (and rubbish) against gay people (compared to these learned `men').

Anonymous said...

Dono lah. I have this ambivalence towards homosexuality. On a personal level, I'm ok with my friends i know who are gay. But do I approve? I can't say wholeheartedly.

I watched Brokeback Mt, was touched by it and called it a sad love story. A Christian friend said this to me: "You see, Hollywood has an agenda. It's to make homosexuality as normal and acceptable as possible."


Anonymous said...

I like the part on breeders, overpopulated world, and limited resources. With so many cases of buang bayi and unwanted pregnancies, so many kids ending up in orphanages, I think it is one of nature's own creation to control this problem

I admire the courage, the voice and the desire to be one true self. Homosexual or Heterosexual, it doesn't matter. We've all been looking for the same things and asking the same questions... who are we? why are we here? And guess what... at least this guy knows why he's here ^^

You people have got to watch "Lars and the Real Girl" and you'll understand exactly what it means.

I think it's a beautiful piece!

Jamuuna said...

Dear Pat...

In life it is more important to life your life's purpose and to do it without with courage. I am only 19+, but even I know that one's sexual preference does not determine one's character. When a person lives for the betterment of the society and loves his life, he is contributing to the God's beautiful world.

To answer those whose say that it is forbidden in the Holy Books, my dear friends...there are more than enough cruelty, evilness and loneliness in this world that God would accept them for the love most of them spread.

To this person who wrote this piece, you should be proud of yourself. A true man is one who is courageous enough to believe in his cause and to live his life to the fullest.

I also thank you for sharing this with us all " No one else can live my life for me, die my death for me." This were also my dad's words of wisdom.


Anonymous said...

thanks for posting this piece!
To everyone be who u r and be proud of it !

monsterball said...

I also have few gay friends and one will come to know....they are much more sincere friends you can ever hope to find...totally harmless and ever caring.....if they accept you as a friend.

Parisian girl said...

this is a fun read!i like it.keep it up!!

lauyee said...

It's a good piece by your friend Pat, but I'm seriously seeing people relating it to the current political situation is rather crazy.

Keep us entertained Pat keep us further from the political dramas

Anonymous said...

I enjoy reading every part of the story except for the stroking part and the size comparing part. Haha.

It just got into my mind as disgusting. I am sorry. I try not to discriminate gays but it's pretty difficult to accept 2 sticks complementing one another. hehehe.

Dont mind me guys. It's just "Yucks"! :)

Anonymous said...

Beautiful article!
I hate how it's not particularly safe to "out" yourself in Malaysia.. maybe among friends it's fine (so far, they seem ok with it!) but what happens when the knowledge of your homosexuality reaches people you didn't intend for it to reach? Sometimes it's okay, but other times that's when trouble starts.

If anyone else was around to read daniazz6383's blog while it was still up, I'm sure they can agree to the mass prejudice of Malaysians against gays.

loken said...

i don't agree with gays or lesbian but i have no problem with them. In fact some of my colleagues are gay..May God have mercy on their souls...

s.a.i.f.u.l said...

thank you :D

Anonymous said...


If you think being gay is a choice, you are ignorant my friend!

Anonymous said...

If Ironman says being gay is a choice and you say Ironman is ignorant, then what are you trying to say here? There are millions of gays/lesbians in this world who think that it's normal to live a life of homosexuality. THINK AGAIN!! Would you want your future generation to grow up accepting the fact that homosexuality is FINE and they may eventually make a CHOICE to go HOMO?

Stop the TOKKOK la...Look at yourself in the mirror and see what you have been borned to be.

Anonymous said...

good stuff pat least those homophobic pricks should realize by now ...they shouldnt be afraid of gays ..grow up ...embrace em ...
zull langkawi aka limp wrist ...

Isaac said...

Dear Ironman, you are so ignorant as to beggar belief. Your 2 cents worth is just that - 2 cents worth. Out of curiosity, you checked out pussies, then you get desires, after which you experiment blah, blah, blah, so you are now addicted to hetero sex? And therefore you should check yourself into some clinic to get rid of that inclination of yours? Idiotic reasoning, is it not?

lord musan said...

...the thing is every man fantasize about having sex through the anus with a woman and that is considered okay...but to fantasize to fuck another man's arse is not right..its the same thing, isn't it?but still i am against gays but i like lesbians..har!har!har!

Anonymous said...


The writer want compassion and understanding and yet, in the same breath, vilify heterosexual relationships. I take offense in that word. Boo hoo for you, and boo hoo for me. Pah!


Patricia said...

Dear Patrick,

Thank you for this post. I empathise with the writer and hope he has found a lasting peace.

I wish people will just learn to accept the people around them for what they are.

I am indian, my husband chinese. That also seems wrong lah. Nevermind talking about gay or heterosexual! I dunno which would've been worse: to hear we were gay? or to hear we wanted to marry someone from another race!

My point? People will always find ways to find you lacking lah! I like what the writer said: 'it is their problem'. He is so right.

Love cannot be wrong - if no one is hurt in the process.

Anonymous said...

aiyoh! once tasted the back one wont want front anymore !

Chong Yong Wei said...

Anonymous 11.36 --

The writer of Heartbreaks In Silence is a friend of mine. The term "breeders" is used by he and his friends (hetero, homo and all) in an endearing, not offensive manner. Hope you don't take offense after reading this.

Nex said...

To Isaac:

Real quick to judge aren't we? Gheeze...Guess you're so 'straight' you can tell a joke/tease even when one is jammed up your behind...gheeze...

Read between the lines, if you're capable of that...I left loads of clues in my post...gheeze...

ironman said...

dear Isaac..pls read the article below..wonder who is ignorant..

What Causes Homosexual Desire and Can It Be Changed?
By Paul Cameron, Ph. D.
Dr. Cameron is Chariman of the Family Research Institute of Colorado Springs, Colorado USA. Click here for more information about this organization. You may contact him at: Family Research Institute, PO Box 62640, Colorado Springs, CO 80962 USA. Phone number: (303) 681-3113. (No e-mail address.)


Most of us fail to understand why anyone would want to engage in homosexual activity. To the average person, the very idea is either puzzling or repugnant. Indeed, a recent survey (1) indicated that only 14% of men and 10% of women imagined that such behavior could hold any "possibility of enjoyment."

The peculiar nature of homosexual desire has led some people to conclude that this urge must be innate: that a certain number of people are "born that way," that sexual preferences cannot be changed or even ended. What does the best research really indicate? Are homosexual proclivities natural or irresistible?

At least three answers seem possible. The first, the answer of tradition, is as follows: homosexual behavior is a bad habit that people fall into because they are sexually permissive and experimental. This view holds rat homosexuals choose their lifestyle as the result of self-indulgence and an unwillingness to play by society rules. The second position is held by a number of psychoanalysts (e.g., Bieber, Socarides). According to them, homosexual behavior is a mental illness, symptomatic of arrested development. They believe that homosexuals have unnatural or perverse desires as a consequence of poor familial relations in childhood or some other trauma. The third view is "biological" and holds that such desires are genetic or hormonal in origin, and that there is no choice involved and no "childhood trauma" necessary.

Which of these views is most consistent with the facts? Which tells us the most about homosexual behavior and its origins? The answer seems to be that homosexual behavior is learned. The following seven lines of evidence support such a conclusion.

1) No researcher has found provable biological or genitic differences between heterosexuals and homosexuals that weren't caused by their behavior
Occasionally you may read about a scientific study that suggests that homosexuality is an inherited tendency, but such studies have usually been discounted after careful scrutiny or attempts at replication. No one has found a single heredible genetic, hormonal or physical difference between heterosexuals and homosexuals - at least none that is replicable. (9, 12) While the absence of such a discovery doesn't prove at inherited sexual tendencies aren't possible, it suggests that none has been found because none exists.

2) People tend to believe that their sexual desires and behaviors are learned
Two large studies asked homosexual respondents to explain the origins of their desires and behaviors - how they "got that way." The first of these studies was conducted by Kinsey in the 1940s and involved 1700 homosexuals. The second, in 1970, (4) involved 979 homosexuals. Both were conducted prior to the period when the "gay rights" movement started to politicize the issue of homosexual origins. Both reported essentially the same findings: Homosexuals overwhelmingly believed their feelings and behavior were the result of social or environmental influences.

In a 1983 study conducted by the Family Research Institute (5) (FRI) involving a random sample of 147 homosexuals, 35% said their sexual desires were hereditary. Interestingly, almost 80% of the 3,400 heterosexuals in the same study said that their preferences and behavior were learned (see Table 1 below).

Table 1
Reasons For Preferring:
homosexuality (1940s and 1970)

early homosexual experience(s) with adults and/or peers - 22%
homosexual friends/ around homosexuals a lot - 16%
poor relationship with mother - 15%
unusual development (was a sissy, artistic, couldn't get along with own sex, tom-boy, et cetera) - 15%
poor relationship with father - 14%
heterosexual partners unavailable - 12%
social ineptitude - 9%
born that way - 9%
heterosexuality (1983)

I was around heterosexuals a lot - 39%
society teaches heterosexuality and I responded - 34%
born that way - 22%
my parents, marriage was so good I wanted to have what they had - 21%
I tried it and liked it - 12%
childhood heterosexual experiences with peers it was the ''in thing" in my crowd - 9%
I was seduced by a heterosexual adult - 5%
While these results aren't conclusive, they tell something about the very recent tendency to believe that homosexual behavior is inherited or biologic. From the 1930s (when Kinsey started collecting data) to the early 1970s, before a "politically correct" answer emerged, only about 10% of homosexuals claimed they were "born that way." Heterosexuals apparently continue to believe that their behavior is primarily a result of social conditioning.

3) Older homosexuals often approach the young
There is evidence that homosexuality, like drug use is "handed down" from older individuals. The first homosexual encounter is usually initiated by an older person. In separate studies 60%, (6) 64%, (3) and 61% (10) of the respondents claimed that their first partner was someone older who initiated the sexual experience.

How this happens is suggested by a nationwide random study from Britain: (17) 35% of boys and 9% of girl said they were approached for sex by adult homosexuals. Whether for attention, curiosity, or by force, 2% of the boys and 1% of the girls succumbed. In the US, (1) 37% of males and 9% of females reported having been approached for homosexual sex (65% of those doing the inviting were older). Likewise, a study of over 400 London teenagers reported that "for the boys, their first homosexual experience was very likely with someone older: half the boys' first partner were 20 or older; for girls it was 43 percent." (13) A quarter of homosexuals have admitted to sex with children and underaged teens, (6,5,8) suggesting the homosexuality is introduced to youngsters the same way other behaviors are learned - by experience.

4) Early homosexual experiences influence adult patterns of behavior
In the 1980s, scholars (12) examined the early Kinsey data to determine whether or not childhood sexual experiences predicted adult behavior. The results were significant: Homosexual experience in the early year, particularly if it was one's first sexual experience - was a strong predictor of adult homosexual behavior, both for males and females. A similar pattern appeared in the 1970 Kinsey Institute (4) study: there was a strong relationship between those whose first experience was homosexual and those who practiced homosexuality in later life. In the FRI study (5) two-thirds of the boys whose first experience was homosexual engaged in homosexual behavior as adults; 95% of those whose first experience was heterosexual were likewise heterosexual in their adult behavior. A similarly progressive pattern of sexual behavior was reported for females.

It is remarkable that the three largest empirical studies of the question showed essentially the same pattern. A child's first sexual experiences were strongly associated with his or her adult behavior.

5) Sexual conduct is influenced by cultural factors - especially religious convictions
Kinsey reported "less homosexual activity among devout groups whether they be Protestant, Catholic, or Jewish, and more homosexual activity among religiously less active groups." (2) The 1983 FRI study found those raised in irreligious homes to be over 4 times more likely to become homosexual than those from devout homes. These studies suggest that when people believe strongly that homosexual behavior is immoral, they are significantly less apt to be involved in such activity.

Recently, because of the AIDS epidemic, it has been discovered that, relative to white males, twice as many black males are homosexual (14) and 4 times as many are bisexual. Perhaps it is related to the fact that 62% of black versus 17% of white children are being raised in fatherless homes. But even the worst racist wouldn't suggest that it is due to genetic predisposition.

Were homosexual impulses truly inherited, we should be unable to find differences in homosexual practice due to religious upbringing or racial sub-culture.

6) Many change their sexual preferences
In a large random sample (5) 88% of women currently claiming lesbian attraction and 73% of men claiming to currently enjoy homosexual sex, said that they had been sexually aroused by the opposite sex,

85% of these "lesbians" and 54% of these "homosexuals" reported sexual relations with someone of the opposite sex in adulthood,
67% of lesbians and 54% of homosexuals reported current sexual attraction to the opposite sex, and
82% of lesbians and 66% of homosexuals reported having been in love with a member of the opposite sex.
Homosexuals experiment. They feel some normal impulses. Most have been sexually aroused by, had sexual relations with, and even fallen in love with someone of the opposite sex.

Nationwide random samples (11) of 904 men were asked about their sex lives since age 21, and more specifically, in the last year. As the figure reveals, 1.3% reported sex with men in the past year and 5.2% at some time in adulthood. Less than 1% of men had only had sex with men during their lives. And 6 of every 7 who had had sex with men, also reported sex with women.

It's a much different story with inherited characteristics. Race and gender are not optional lifestyles. They remain immutable. The switching and experimentation demonstrated in these two studies identifies homosexuality as a preference, not an inevitability.

7) There are many ex-homosexuals
Many engage in one or two homosexual experiences and never do it again–a pattern reported for a third of the males with homosexual experience in one study. (1) And then there are ex-homosexuals - those who have continued in homosexual liaisons for a number of years and then chose to change not only their habits, but also the object of their desire. Sometimes this alteration occurs as the result of psychotherapy; (10) in others it is prompted by a religious or spiritual conversion. (18) Similar to the kinds of "cures" achieved by drug addicts and alcoholics, these treatments do not always remove homosexual desire or temptation. Whatever the mechanism, in a 1984 study (5) almost 2% of heterosexuals reported that at one time they considered themselves to be homosexual. It is clear that a substantial number of people are reconsidering their sexual preferences at any given time.

What causes homosexual desire?
If homosexual impulses are not inherited, what kinds of influences do cause strong homosexual desires? No one answer is acceptable to all researchers in the field. Important factors, however, seem to fall into four categories. As with so many other odd sexual proclivities, males appear especially susceptible:

1. Homosexual experience:
any homosexual experience in childhood, especially if it is a first sexual experience or with an adult
any homosexual contact with an adult, particularly with a relative or authority figure (in a random survey, 5% of adult homosexuals vs 0.8% of heterosexuals reported childhood sexual involvements with elementary or secondary school teachers (5).
2. Family abnormality, including the following:
a dominant, possessive, or rejecting mother
an absent, distant, or rejecting father
a parent with homosexual proclivities, particularly one who molests a child of the same sex
a sibling with homosexual tendencies, particularly one who molests a brother or sister
the lack of a religious home environment
divorce, which often leads to sexual problems for both the children and the adults
parents who model unconventional sex roles
condoning homosexuality as a legitimate lifestyle– welcoming homosexuals (e.g., co-workers, friends) into the family circle
3. Unusual sexual experience, particularly in early childhood:
precocious or excessive masturbation
exposure to pornography in childhood
depersonalized sex (e.g., group sex, sex with animals)
or girls, sexual interaction with adult males
4. Cultural influences:
a visible and socially approved homosexual sub-culture that invites curiosity and encourages exploration
pro-homosexual sex education
openly homosexual authority figures, such as teachers (4% of Kinsey's and 4% of FRI's gays reported that their first homosexual experience was with a teacher)
societal and legal toleration of homosexual acts
depictions of homosexuality as normal and/or desirable behavior
Can homosexuality be changed?
Certainly. As noted above, many people have turned away from homosexuality - almost as many people call themselves "gay."

Clearly the easier problem to eliminate is homosexual behavior. Just as many heterosexuals control their desires to engage in premarital or extramarital sex, so some with homosexual desires discipline themselves to abstain from homosexual contact.

One thing seems to stand out: Associations are all-important. Anyone who wants to abstain from homosexual behavior should avoid the company of practicing homosexuals. There are organizations including "ex-gay ministries, " (18) designed to help those who wish to reform their conduct. Psychotherapy claims about a 30% cure rate, and religious commitment seems to be the most helpful factor in avoiding homosexual habits.



This educational pamphlet has been produced by Family Research Institute, Inc., Dr. Paul Cameron, Chairman. A complete report is available for a donation of $25 in the U.S., $40 foreign, postage included. Other pamphlets in the series include:

What Causes Homosexual Desire?
Child Molestation and Homosexuality
Medical Consequences of What Homosexuals Do
Violence and Homosexuality
Born WHAT Way?
The Psychology of Homosexuality
Same Sex marriage: Til Death Do Us Part?

Suggested donation for pamphlets: 11 for $10, 25 for $20, 50 for $35, 100 for $50, 500 for $240, 1,000 for $450, postpaid. Remit to:

Family Research Institute
PO Box 62640
Colorado Springs, CO 80962
Phone: (303) 681-3113
The Family Research Report newsletter is $25/year ($40 foreign)

Copyright, 1999, Family Research Institute, Inc.

Dan said...

Thanks Pat for the posting.

To all others, everyone has his/her life to live. How each and everyone choose to live that God-given life, its his/her business. To paraphrase what the writer says, "If you have a problem with my lifestyle, it's your problem. Not mine."

jimmy said...

To Ironman regarding your referenced article,

there is a difference between homosexuality and child abuse/paedophilia.

It is inherrently flawed to say that homosexual activity is learned after being abused by older gay person. If that is true, then it would also be true that getting abused by a heterosexual will turn a child straight. both these ideas were equally disgusting because paedophilia is child abuse whether it is a hetero/homosexual act!

AND most children abused by gay paedophiles DID NOT turn out to be gay.

It is probably useful to be critical about non-reviewed studies/research carried out as even reviewed i.e. published articles can be very flawed/dodgy (e.g. cloning article by the disgraced Korean professor). The methodological robustness of non-reviewed studies is also of suspect (or otherwise, this would have been sent for publication in peer-reviewed journals). So, if quoted reference needs to be used, it should probably first be from academic journals and definitely not from some dodgy studies carried out by someone (with a Ph.D.)