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Thursday, August 13, 2009

Fantastic Facts And Fancies

Hahahahahahahaha....I'm killing myself laughing!

Good morning everybody. I hope you're all ready for a day full of laughs. Lots of guffaw-inducing news in the media today. Ready? This is in no particular order although you might want to rank them and send the ranking back to me. I'll think of an appropriate prize that does not include high falls and dirty looks from old ministers.

It is now less than 17 days to Malaysia's National Day celebrations 2009. And as we locals say, "Now only want to go and find a song to sing on the padang ah?" Prime Minister has called on Malaysians to participate in the selection of the National Day theme song. Why? He wants the song to be "from the rakyat, selected by the Rakyat and for the Rakyat". Hiyoh! Can't the man even be original with something like this? What's even more funny is that Najib announced that the winning song would be announced on National Day!!! Huh!!!??? I thought that a song like that is one which he would want the nation to know and sing during the National Day celebrations. No ah? Only start learning it from National Day issit? What la! Oh by the way, these 10 songs are written by "individuals from various backgrounds". Now, what the ***K does that mean? (You can listen to the 10 songs here. This is Singapore's National Day 2009 song. Which isn't very good either but they all knew it and were singing along to it already at their recent National Day Parade. I doubt if we will ours. Cos in our PM's infinite wisdom he's made it a contest. So instead of something to gel the Rakyat together the national day song becomes a divisive tool. Again. Sigh.)

Remember how we used to gloat in defiance whenever we were criticized for anything by saying, "Hey! At least we're better than Ghana." Then Ghana got a spot in the World Cup and we couldn't use that line anymore. We were lost for a while. Don't know what to say la. But have no fear. Najib is here with a new line...... "MALAYSIANS ARE BLESSED TO LIVE IN A COUNTRY THAT WAS NOT ONLY BEAUTIFUL, BUT WELL ADMINISTERED FOR THE PAST 52 YEARS.....(AND).....THERE IS NO OTHER COUNTRY IN THE WORLD THAT IS AS BLESSED AS MALAYSIA." It's a lot more unwieldy but ...... okay.....yay! I think. Thanks, Najib. Now whenever things fuck up we shall just tell ourselves and whoever is not laughing too hard that we are Blessed! Hallelujah....oh is that allowed? Sorry ah.

Poor Rais Yatim. I sure hope he enjoys eggs because of late he's been getting a lot of those. Right in his face. With Najib in the front line and with terrific aim too. No more Internet filtering now says Rais. We got sufficient laws to to nab (I love how our journo's and YB's use this word) people responsible for negative practices. Are any of you familiar at all with the saying in Cantonese that roughly sounds like (if I may sound even more colloquial) Teet lork dei har, chup farn jar sar. Translated very literally it is "fall on the ground also must pick up a handful of sand". In English I guess it means coming up with a silly defense when all is obviously ***ked! Sorry ah. My Engrand not so cheem (Hokkein for deep) la. And just so he leaves the scene with that sneer he's become so known for recently, Rais's parting shot when asked how immediate the crackdown on Internet abusers would be, he said rather threateningly, "You cannot imagine, maybe I can summarise by saying the task is ahead of us and we have to keep up." Well, at least the last part of his statement is true. I just hope he and his 2 colleagues, Hishammudin and Nazri have a clue and can keep up with the times.

The Star reported that The National University of Singapore’s East Asian Institute senior research fellow Dr Bo Zhiyue said the use of such Internet filtering mechanisms was healthy as it would filter out any communication which might harm the interests of others.

He said this after presenting a talk on “China’s Model of Democracy” (Huh!!!???) in Universiti Tunku Abdul Rahman yesterday. Asked whether the Malaysian Government’s plan to censor the Internet would be an impediment to freedom of speech, he said the move would be able to block out negative behaviour but cautioned that this must be done in moderation and not be completely restrictive.

The above is ironically funny. I think Dr. Bo is a Chinese national or used to be, and he works for the government of Singapore. Great hero-nations for freedom of speech. Yes?

Now, I am not trying to influence your rankings of today's funnies but when I read this next story I almost fell off my chair laughing. Selangor Religious Department (JAIS) is planning to summons the employees of the convenience store in Shah Alam which is in the middle of the Shah Alam beer controversy. Two Muslim employees of the convenience store were served notices for handling alcohol beverages during a raid by Selangor Religious Department (JAIS). The manager of the store, located in Section 25, would also be called to JAIS to explain why Muslim employees were handling alcoholic beverages. Under the Syariah Criminal Offences (State of Selangor) Enactment 1995 Muslims who were caught selling or offering alcoholic drinks can be fined up to RM5,000, or three years jail or both.

When I first read that I had the usual reaction of a alcohol-consuming infidel and thought "Hiyah! If they enforce the law then thousands of people will be out of work and hotels and restaurants and bars in the whole of Selangor will close shop." Then I re-read the statement and realised that it says, "......Muslims who were caught selling or offering alcoholic drinks......" So if you look at things properly none of those flers in that Shah Alam convenience store or any of the hotels, bars and restaurants are actually committing any crime. They are not selling because the business does not belong to them. They are only serving. They don't offer because they only serve when the customer requests for it. So, like some other flers in Perak said some months ago, if someone asks or offers it would be terribly rude not to acquiesce. No?

I don't know about you la. But I am laughing so hard today and it feels damn good la.



Anonymous said...


ycg said...

who wrote the that law anyway? observe, its 'selling' or 'offering', so the loop hole here is 'serving' is OK.

maybe those that accepts bribe is also going by these intepretation? those that are caught 'asking', 'giving' or 'taking' bribe is an offence...but if someone were to 'donate' them, then it wouldn't be a bribe, would it?

hmm...maybe donation is not such a bad idea after all. after all, we've heard of 'donating woman' to certain ex-PKR froggie.

Anonymous said...

Hi Pat,

Oh God what a good day to start. Mesti ada ooom punya hari ini. Wow, really unbelieveable that he said Malaysia was well adminitered for the past 52 years and ... ai yoh very gelilah. You the writers of speeches must come up with something to say but the reader concerned... dei common lah use your head how can you read that like a parrot. This is IT era, even the mak chik from remot areas will know the truth. Whatlah say lah others things which is easier to bluff. Then we have the huha over the beer issues please lah go to Langkawi our duty heaven for beers, wines etc. They should be the first in line to stop selling duty frees beers, wines, brandy etc and that should include KLIA.

Anonymous said...

Patrick, Rais's real intenetion is to censor your blog. He thinks your "Niamah" is too vulgar to all Malaysians.

Anonymous said...

Getting to be slciker than Slick-Willy-Clinton who said "It depends on what IS is" when grilled about his liaison with Ms Lewinsky. Rice-IS must have learnt a trick or 2 when he was in the US grovelling for his Permanent-head-Damage.

camcamni said...

Then all the Malays working in Carlsberg factory in Shah Alam better stop going to work there as they have been smelling the smells of hops and beer everyday and so must have been intoixicated and should be sentenced by JAIS. But then again, Jais officials will also be at fault if the catch these workers as their hands would have touch traces of the beer and then....ohhhhh...long way to go lah....

You are right Pat, a real good laugh and these officials always come out with nice jokes for us to laugh at...hahahahaha.....Haram...haram...haram...

落叶满孤城 said...

Did anybody still remember the national day logo competition??
end up a civil officer won and the logo later comfirmed actually 90% copy from one Taiwan logo.

And..and...the winner also admit he do take ""some"" idea from the taiwan logo.Niamah..the 1st prize money awarded to a copy-cat.

-naga- said...

Patrick, then they will have to summon everyone from MAS what.. from the stewards/stewardesses, management, suppliers, movers, etc etc.

natives are restless said...

Any prize for :- HELP! by the Beatles as our National Day theme song , Patrick ? [ I'm almost afraid to ask ]

Anonymous said...

syabas ppl will be hauled in as well. after all, u need water to make beer too mah, wrong?

chiak sai pang pooi!

pat, better write more before the goberman asked blogspot to suspend your blog. just like magickriver.

Parvinder Kler said...

National day is not in 17 days-Malaysia was formed on 16 September, not 31 August. We must be the only country to celebrate national day on the wrong day. 16 September isn't even a holiday in West Malaysia. I couldn't care less about 31 August, and I never will until the population of Malaysia that covers over 50% of its landmass get their due recognition.

Want to call it Merdeka day, fine, but even then it is not my merdeka. Having said that I have suggested in the past to various people that 31 August be celebrated as an independence day on the basis that Sabah and Sarawak (and I believe Singapore as well) were left to their own devices by the British between 31/8/63 to 16/9/63. But still, then please remember Malaysia is turning 46, not 52.

natives are restless said...

All these talk of internet censorship was a BIG fart after all.

But with Rais , this guy has to pull down his pants to fart.

Anonymous said...

I'd like to submit a song..
"99 Protesters up against the wall"

99 protesters up against the wall,
99 protesters up against the wall...
you take one down then you beat him around
then there's 98 protesters up against the wall.

98 protesters up against the wall,
you TAKE one down then you beat him around,
then there's 97 protesters up against the wall..


Anonymous said...

tdm : @#$%^&* ... my call for anti-
-cocacola NOT a success man, @#$%^&* !

Anonymous said...

Can we all vote for this song for
National Day - It Wasn't Me by Shaggy ???

Well, when the stadium @ Terengganu collapsed, we should count our blessings that nobody died ! When the virus of A(H1N1 ) claimed lives of Malaysian citizens, count our blessings because not extensive as Hong Kong. Good mentality ! Keep it up !

Poor Rais ! He lamented in the headlines saying that " Let's teach them a lesson " in one of the press. Some authors wrote seditious remarks in Utusan M and Berita Harian and who is to teach the authors a lesson ? Hey ! No questioning of their rights ! ISA, you know ??? Okay ! I am out of this !!!

Haiyah ! The beer issue. No issue what ! Those fellas who are so righteous and "kuno", they have their own way to live. Cannot touch this, cannot see this and cannot learn this ! What the heck ! Live in the jungle lah !!!

Yeah ! A lot of Niamah these days ! Seeing the politicians act sometimes can be dangerous because we can die laughing !!!

camcamni said...

Same Merdeka celebrations year in year out. Show off when the BN Govt is making the racial polarisation getting bigger and bigger day by day and not taking any actions on Utusan, Berita Harian and NST shows Najlis promotes racial division.

First of all, we are Malaysians and we are not divided so are are actually 1 Malaysia but recent happenings in the country has make it 1 Black Malaysia.

So much disparity and so much one sided Govt actions which are actually leading to the people having suspicions.

tupingera said...


you left out the funniest news item:
the mufti fler, harusini harusana calling for stripping of citizenship for dissing the royalty.

that madey fler should be top on the list.

komando said...

The only thing right in this country is: DRIVING ON THE LEFT SIDE!

Anonymous said...

check this out

Anonymous said...

Lets go all out..kick bn gomen out for living on sin taxes..alcohol, fags and gaming.

Y2K said...

Hmm... Imagine if I owned convenience stores that sold beer. Looks like JAIS is asking me to sack all my Malay employees to help them comply with the syariah law.

Anonymous said...

hahahahaha.. thanks, pat.. your blogs always made my day..niamah!! * so my Malays friends who work in MAS, hotels, 7-11, KK outlets.. i guess you are in deep s**t now!! JAIS will f**kin' come after your a**. better look for another job, weih!! don't worry.. JAIS will give you better jobs like tebas rumput or xerox summon papers for them.. MUAAHHAHAHAHHAAAA.... JAIS should go to these night clubs and pubs.. and see these places.. let's see who are the majority patrons and employees in those places.. my guess.....
* blessed to live in m'sia.? stadium boleh 'automatic'collapsed? we are still waiting for the collapsed stadium report..if i were the Agong, i'll 'penalty kick' the balls of these ppl that promise with in the report for delaying it!!
* rais!!! in your face buddy!!!

Anonymous said...

Is Malaysia is going to become a Arab City?

Anonymous said...

Pat I have a song selection for the National Day Celebration...

"Sing a song of six sen a pocket full of bribery.
Four and twenty Amno thugs baked in a pie.
When the pie was open the scumbags began to sing.
Wasn't that a dainty dish to set before the Agong."

Jestmelah said...

Pat, you'll probably lose some potential movie roles lah! Some guys may not want to be associated with you-lah.

I know, I know, you'll say, "the @#$%^&* with them!"

Anonymous said...

Deputy Prime Minister Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin today told students to join the crime prevention club in schools to curb juvenile crime and to increase awareness in fighting crime.

Are they going become RELA?


Is he scaling back on recruitment of police personnel?

James said...

With a heading like that, aren't you worried that you might be sued by Kee Huat Radio? :-)