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Niamah!!! in Chinese

Niamah!!! Chinese version YorMarder!!! http://niamahinchinese.blogspot.com/

Monday, August 30, 2010

Newspaper stories that make the YB's sound so silly

Malaysia. A little frayed round the egdes but still my beloved homeland.
Happy birthday Peninsula Malaysia!

Sometimes, you wonder if it is really true that most of the major mainstream newspapers are owned by parties of the Barisan Nasional coalition. Why? They constantly print stories that really make our political leaders look and sound like total morons. For example, just in the Star today there are a couple of big obvious bloopers or fuck-ups by some editors somewhere.

Example #1

On page N14 of The Star there is a story about the 2010 Merdeka celebrations being held indoors in air-conditioned comfort in the Stadium Bukit Jalil. This year's 'modest' scale celebrations "incorporates elements of the 1Malaysia concept as well as the values of integrity and patriotism."

You probably know that this year's celebrations will feature the Malaysian armed forces personnel. According to the story the good folks' performances "include defence movements and formations by the armed forces, to bring out the spirit of independence." Okay, that's just the start of the incredulity.

Here is the killer part of the story. Rais Yatim whose ministry is in charge of production this year supposedly said, "There will be more than 15,000 people cramped in this stadium. This shows that we are truly 1Malaysia where although within a small confinement, we can cater for a very cohesive arrangement of people."

HUH??? What??? Cramping 15,000 people into an indoor stadium shows that we are truly 1Malaysia? Surely, The Star's article has not done good old, Rais any favours. Or have they?

Further down that page there is another example of something that might have lost something in translation.

Example #2

Culture and Arts Department director-general, Norliza Rofli said this year the celebs will showcase the ability and fighting spirit of the country’s security forces and about 1,500 armed forces and police personnel would take part in the performance.

Okay... but then...

"We will also be showing the images of all Yang di-Pertuan Agong from the first Yang di-Pertuan Agong until the present 13th, and pay tribute to our prime ministers since independence.....and the new concept was in line with the Government’s efforts to transform the country".


HUH??? Transform the country? How? When?

Have a good week ahead, folks and Happy Merdeka!

Niamah!!!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Our birthday or their party?

A reader sent me the above photo captioned "larger than merdeka itself, bigger than Ben Hur"

All hail the Prime Minister!!!



Transcript

On the front page of The Star today there is a big colour photograph of some rehearsals for some Merdeka Day celebration in Bukit Jalil Stadium I think. When I looked at it what caught my eye was the big image of Najib Razak which was projected on the giant video screen like it was the centre-piece and the reason for the celebrations.

That reminded me of the week when I happened to be in Singapore during the run up to their National Day. Just like here there were banners and billboards all over the city proclaiming the nation's upcoming birthday. And as usual the politicians faces were very much a part of the publicity. Lee Kuan Yew, Lee Sien Loong and all the other PAP members of parliament. But I couldn't help but notice that unlike here in Malaysia the Singaporean national day publicity involved the most important element of the celebrations. The people who built the country. Yes, the ordinary Singapore citizens. The politicians were in the photos on billboards. But they were always in the background or right in the midst of the people they SERVE. Never standing alone. Here in Malaysia our political leaders seem to take the credit for everything. Our national day celebration looks more like a celebration of the prime minister's ego. There are many other examples. Tourism posters featuring a photo of the minister of tourism instead of Malaysia's tourism attractions. Billboards calling for national gratitude for the progress we have enjoyed since independence but featuring photos and images of all the prime ministers. So what are we, the ordinary, hard-working, loyal citizens of Malaysia? Chopped liver?

Niamah!!!



Monday, August 23, 2010

Monday funnies.

1Malaysia?
Well, if you look at enough multi-million Ringgit billboards you will get it.


But the first Monday funny is when Home Minister Hishammuddin Hussein announced that a biometric system to monitor foreign workers in the country is expected to be in place by October.

Yay! Errr.... that's a Yay!, right?

First clue that it isn't going to work is when he also announced that the biometric database would be comprehensive and would involve 14 ministries!!! These days when even the PM and DPM can't seem to sync you expect 14 ministries to work together on something? Personally I stopped believing in the tooth fairy a long time ago.

Another sign that Malaysians REALLY don't have a clue what 1Malaysia is all about is the story that a company, Libroff Media Sdn Bhd has sponsored the building of a RM1.5million arch which will display "different 1Malaysia messages ...... every three months". Eventually, the company will erect 3 more multi-million Ringgit arches. One each in Kuantan, Ipoh and Malacca. The company says that the effort is part of its corporate responsibility. RM4.5million worth of 'responsibility'! Which could have been better spent I think. But that's just my opinion. And I really don't know what this 1Malaysia is about anyway.

And while we still on this 1Malaysia "promotion campaign" I read that the Police has formed a 'Task Force" to investigate reports that 2 mosques in Penang had, during its sermons, called upon the Almighty to bless and protect the state's chief minister but in so doing omitted mentioning the Agung or the Yang Dipertua Negara. Cannot one meh? I thought it is a good thing what. No ah? Can Muslim friends explain to us please? Seriously. What is the matter that is so sensitive here that a police task force has to be formed to investigate it?

And here is the part that should be scary news to all Malaysians. Muslims and non-Muslims alike. While speaking to the press about the task force, Deputy Commissioner of Police, Ayub Yaacob revealed that "our men are always there to do the recording. We also had plainsclothes policemen in the mosque ........... they have also taken photos of the Friday prayer and we will be looking into it. Do not think that we are not around although we may not be spotted."

A stern warning indeed! What a country we have become. Yay! Errr.... no ah?

This explanation sent in by a comment-er is informative reading for those who still do not know what the fuss is about.

I hope ure sincere asking for explanation but knowing you I think you will spin it off. Anyway I thought I will try.

For your information all Friday doas only refer to head of state and religion. Agong and the sultans are head of religion. This is the practice from time immemorial (as far as my lifetime knows it). That's why there's no doa specifically for Najib mahathir etc. a general doa perhaps but not specifically. We ask for forgiveness success and well being of the head of state. Now why must this good practice be replaced? Why must the head of state and religion be replaced? And be replaced with guan eng? Huh?

May be another way to explain it is this. What if bn replaces all the Fridays doa reference to king with Najib and rosmah. Doa for their well being and longetivity and that they become successful and lead the nation further. There would be uproar from pakatan and pas members. (some may puke) If you're already offended when rosmah was called first lady replacing permaisuri how can you not be offended when guan eng replaced the king in a Muslims doa.
Chee sin.


And finally, some words of wisdom from our minister of tourism Ng Yen Yen whom I think requires a reality check pretty soon. She said, "If we can offer helicopter tours, I am sure many rich tourists would come to Malaysia for aerial tourism."

No, wait there is one more funny to share. Bridges seem to be Mahathir's thing right? First the bridge to replace the Causeway to Singapore. Then when that didn't work out he proposed a Crooked Bridge. Then when Badawi scrapped that idea he got very angry. Now Mahathir has come out to oppose .... A BRIDGE! Some bright spark has proposed a 48km bridge to link Langkawi to Kuala Perlis. " CANNOT!" says Mahathir. "Langkawi must remain an island and is unsuitable to be turned into a land mass." Turned into a land mass? Okay....errrr...what's that mean ah?

And on that note, here's wishing you a good 1Malaysia week ahead.

NIAMAH!!!


p/s cannot do vocal blog because the jackhammers and drills are still at it upstairs.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Whose costume are you wearing?


Take a look at what our current Ms. Malaysia/Universe is wearing for the national costume parade in the pagaent in Las Vegas. Which country is she representing? I don't know.

According to this Star report her costume was inspired by legendary Kelantanese princess Cik Siti Wan Kembang. It is believed that during her reign, the state was so prosperous that foreign merchants intentionally destroyed their vessels upon arrival so they had an excuse to stay on.

Really? For more of this cock-eyed reasoning go HERE.

Niamah!!!

Thursday, August 19, 2010

The Great Malaysian Sex Opera

My friend, Martin Jalleh wrote an interesting piece which unfortunately has been spiked by the online publications he's sent it to. I thought you might like to read it. So here it is...

Sodomy circus turns into a sex opera!

By Martin Jalleh

It seems that for the past few days the Attorney General (AG)’s Chambers have become somewhat like a boiler room after being hit by one steamy story after another. The AG, Gani Patail, has been going bonkers, berserk and ballistic, as a result of an unexpected hard blow below the belt by Raja Petra Kamarudin (RPK).

The famous whistleblower, lid-blower and blogger had dropped a bombshell by alleging that the AG has been bonking the head of one of his divisions.Such news blew many away but RPK said their sexploits were nothing new. Many in the AG’s Chambers have chosen to turn a blind eye to their boss’ bonking.

The AG and partner have allegedly saved the nation’s taxpayers money, as they would blissfully bunk, bonk and bond in the same hotel room during their frequent trips abroad.

We should not be bogged down by who is bonking whom, but when such basic or base instincts are allegedly displayed by the nation’s top legal officer it becomes the rakyat’s business!

This is especially so when the AG has been bonking from high moral ground of his Office whilst trying hard to banish Anwar Ibrahim into political oblivion with a bull-loaded sodomy charge.

Bonking Binge

The sex opera began with RPK alleging that the prosecution’s star witness in Anwar's Sodomy II trial, Mohd Saiful Bukhar, was bonking Farah Azlina Latif, a deputy public prosecutor (DPP) involved in the case.

Was RPK bluffing? The AG begged not to comment but instead bundled Farah off to another division. Saiful and Farah bound themselves in silence, though Saiful could not stop babbling about the truth finally prevailing (and it really did!)

Anwar lodged a police report alleging that the “bonkers” had breached the law, especially the OSA. Karpal Singh, Anwar's lead lawyer, said the couple, if innocent, should be bold enough to verify what they have been accused of. The Court was duty bound to allow him to question them in Court.

Karpal also blasted the AG’s Chambers: "Never before in the history of the country or in the Commonwealth has a DPP had an affair with the star witness". The brave legal tiger forgot for a moment that he was in Bolehland, where everything is beyond human comprehension!

The AG betrayed himself when he passed the baby on to Solicitor-General (SG) II Mohd Yusof Zainal Abiden, who told the court that the prosecution was totally blur on the bonking. He accused Anwar of making “bare allegations” and insisted there was no miscarriage of justice!

Karpal countered that Anwar had “bare facts” and “hard evidence” that the two had bared and bonked. He urged the Court not to go soft on the prosecution. The naked truth they could stand no more -- is that their absolute lack of integrity has been exposed and credibility stripped to the very core!

The SG who was in the best position to respond to Anwar’s affidavit seeking the dismissal of the case, or require Saiful and Farah to file an affidavit, bewildered everyone by passing the buck to his subordinate DPP Hanafiah Zakaria and Investigating Officer (IO) Supt Jude Pereira.

As expected, the Court, which has been perceived by the general public as subserviently doing the bidding of the political masters, bowed and bent backwards, much to the pleasure of those in the AG’s Chambers.

Judge Zaibidin Diah found Anwar’s allegations of the Saiful-Farah’s sexual affair to be true but he ruled that the relationship did not compromise the case. He based this solely on the affidavits of the DPP and the IO. He rejected Anwar's application to strike out the sodomy charge.

We are asked by the Court to believe that Farah, a qualified lawyer, chosen to be on the high-powered prosecution team, to assist in such a high-profile case, was merely a note-taker and beyond reasonable doubt was not privy to crucial information on the case!

Further, surely the learned judge knows that great empires have fallen when forbidden secrets were released by a lover during pulsating and passionate bonking moments and pillow talk. From the charge sheet and on to the bed sheet surely much would have been spilled!

As for DPP Hanafiah, Karpal told the Court that the DPP’s very own credibility was in question, alleging that the latter had had a second marriage in Thailand, and had tried to “legalise his marriage in Kota Bahru” and is therefore “guilty of committing an offence under the Syariah law”!

The IO had said that all investigation papers were strictly under his control. But who can trust the police nowadays? Even the Kota Kinabalu Sessions Court had described Jude Pereira’s boss, IGP Musa Hassan, “an incredible witness whose evidence is not to be believed”!

Monsters & Masterminds

The rakyat’s heart goes out to Janna Syariza, the fiancée of Saiful. Once when referring to the sodomy case, she had very bravely declared that she will stand by her man through the “monstrous battle that is looming ahead”, not realising that a “monster” was standing next to her.

RPK has also alleged in a blog posting “Just when you thought it is safe to go into the water”, that Saiful is also bonking Khairil Annas Jusoh, an aide of Najib. The man had proudly posed with the sodomy accuser outside the PM’s office when the latter went there “to apply for a scholarship”!

RPK revealed that after a one-month marriage, an on learning about the affair, Khairil’s wife left him and “divorce is certainly on the cards”. Will Janna Syariza, the fiancée of Saiful, be able to stomach and survive this third “storm”? She can be assured of the sympathies of many Malaysians.

One cannot but feel also for the fiancé of Farah who according to the Malaysian Chronicle is the assistant head of the prosecution unit in a northern state. They were engaged last year. Their marriage was due to take place on July 9.

A day before the marriage was due to be solemnized she asked for a cancellation, leaving her fiancé who had already sent out all the invitation cards stunned and heartbroken. Farah must have realized that she had gone too far!

Before we could even recover from the revelations of the shocking sex scandals of those who allow themselves to be used by the masterminds to destroy Anwar politically, RPK serves yet another sex sizzler and it involves the Attorney General himself!

Gani Patail must not remain silent. He must speak up and reveal whether it is just a spin (just like when almost everyone first thought that the Saiful-Farah sex liaison was one?). Not only his credibility and integrity is at stake, but also that of the Office of the Attorney General...and even the government!

Strangely enough the country’s self-appointed moralists and religious authorities have also been very silent on the sex fest that has taken place. There have been no screams or shouts of zina or khalwat or interviews and investigations to be conducted. Perhaps they have all grown up?

If such secret sex trysts are really going on amongst those in the Chambers of the AG what would be left of the public’s trust!

(19 Aug, 2010)

Free sex days

Nasrudin Hassan, PAS Youth Chief.
Free sex available during New Year celebrations.




Transcript

Hi, this is Patrick Teoh. I am constantly amazed at the problem solving abilities of Malaysian politicians. It doesn't matter if the issues are global warming, nuclear disarmament or just plain old SEX the YB's can come up with solutions just like that.

The latest example of this incredible and uniquely Malaysian talent is shown by the PAS Youth Chief, Nasrudin Hassan. He has just announced that the recent spate of baby dumping is caused by, among other decadent Western influences, Valentine's Day and New Year celebrations. He said these occasions encouraged liberal socialising and free sex, which resulted in the act of dumping babies. Oh really? Shit! And I have been staying home during New Year's Eve celebrations all these years? Fuck! If I knew there was so much free sex going round I might have been tempted to go out and get some as well. I wonder where he got the information from? Eh Nas, can share a bit ah? Never mind the liberal socialising bit I just want to know where the free sex is. Nasrudin also said that there were a high number of cases of couples caught for khalwat (close proximity) recorded during carnivals including the Merdeka Day celebrations. Fuck! That's another celebration that I should have joined in instead of watching it on TV.

Nasrudin claims that because there is a spike in baby dumping cases between July and September each year it must be an indication that the ‘mating season’ occurred during the New Year celebrations. Mating season?
That's what he thinks of us. We're just a bunch of fucking animals. Mating season!

And as usual Nasrudin blames the West for all this. He said that Valentine's Day and New Year celebrations originated from the West, did not “sit well with our country’s traditions.” They are of western origin and therefore does not sit well with our country's traidtions? Then what about computers, television, McDonald's, Coca Cola, trousers, air-conditioning, motorcars or Kap Cai's for that matter. Or do you think that the kap cai is a Japanese invention and is therefore okay?

But to be fair to the Nasrudin fler he did say something sensible at the end of it. He said that we must review the education system to teach youths how to apply their knowledge of subjects like morality in everyday life, rather than merely feeding them information all day in schools.

Thank goodness you're not all bullshit, Nasrudin. There are still some working brain cells in that skull of yours.

Niamah!!!

Tolerance!


The BN government is always telling us to be TOLERANT. So here is an example of tolerance at its best. This has been going on for more than 2 weeks. 9 AM to 5 PM daily except for Saturdays and Sundays when it is limited to just hammer and chisel. Nothing electric or mechanical. Thank you. Enjoy! It might also remind you to get your teeth checked soon.
Oh I forgot to mention that the recording was done in my bedroom/study area.



NIAMAH!!!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

WTF!!!

Yeah! Being a responsible man he paid his RM1,000. Wouldn't you?'


Transcript

Prime Minister Najib says that he is happy with Muhyiddin Yassin's performance while he was away on holiday. Najib said that Muhyiddin took good care of the country while he was away.

Maybe I missed something the past 10 days. But after reading a statement like that from the Prime Minister there is a question that I would like to ask the PM.


I sure didn't feel the earth move? Did you?

Seems to be that the only thing that you should be pleased about Muhyiddin is that he didn't move your stuff out of your office while you were on makan angin somewhere.

Our leaders all seem to be quite easily pleased don't they? Just because Najib made that statement it is 'proof' that there is no rift between the two top leaders. Well according to Nazri Aziz that is.

Elsewhere I read that that Kinabatangan fler with the leaky mouth, Bung Mohktar Radin had been spared a jail term for his act of illegal polygamy. The Syariah High Court amended his one month jail sentence to a RM1,000 fine. Okay. Nothing unusual about that. What is hard to stomach is the reason given by the learned judge when he announced that the jail sentence would affect Bung who has a "big responsibility to his wives and children."

It just makes me sick to hear statements like these. These fuckers think we are stupid or what? How come Bung did not think of his responsibilities when he was fucking illegally?

Oh there is more. This Syariah High Court judge also announced that although Bung Moktar was a knowledgeable MP and lawmaker, he was not involved in the formulation of the said Syariah law.

Meaning what? That he didn't know he was commiting a crime when he married his second wife? Great! Now you've confirmed what we have always thought of Bung. That he is just a loud-mouthed moron. Thanks.

NIAMAH!!!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

MACC - Internal Affairs


Coming Soon!

A case of side-splitting laughter worth investigating!


Douglas Lim
Kuah Jenhan
Phoon Chi Ho

August 24 - August 28, 2010

Tickets for August 24 & August 25 already SOLD OUT!

Jaya One,
Jalan Universiti,
Petaling Jaya.

Win FREE tickets to MACC - Internal Affairs.
August 26 Thursday 8.30pm

Answer these simple questions:-

1. Which of these jokers is not in MACC - Internal Affairs? Najib Razak, Rais Yatim, Harith Iskander.

2. MACC stands for ............ ..................... .................. ..................

3. Write in not more than 25 words what bribe you would offer to win these tickets.

WINNERS HAVE BEEN INFORMED VIA EMAIL. THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR TAKING PART IN THE CONTEST.


Post your answers on this blog's comment section. All entries will be judged by an independent panel...hahahahahaha...sorry. And the judges' decision will be final and no correspondence will be entertained. Winners must collect their tickets at the PJLA Theatre box office. No tickets will be posted.

CLOSING DATE FOR ENTRIES: Tuesday 24 August, 2010

And of course if you post your answer as Anonymous it means you WON'T win.

Good luck! And don't stand too near that window.

NIAMAH!!!

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Yeah right! Tell us another one YB.

Minister for International Trade and Industry, Mustapa bin Mohamed

This minister tried to explain the need for a new palace to a group of students. I don't think they believed him. Listening to him I wouldn't either? Would you? I especially like the part where he tells them not to shout as he has not shouted at them. Classic Malaysian education system. Also pay special attention to how the students react (0:15) when he said, "we all need palaces..." and at 1:19 when he describes the current palace as 'far too small'. A minister of the cabinet and he can't even handle a group of students how does he handle himself when he is abroad officially as International Trade and Industry? Scary la!



Video by Vighneswaran Vithiatharan, Citizen Journalist


Niamah!!!

Monday, August 02, 2010

An artist's impression of the new RM800million Istana Negara. The real thing looks even more mind-boggling.


Transcript


Hi. This is Patrick Teoh. I drove past the site of the new Istana Negara last evening. Well okay la I might have driven past it before but I never knew what it was until yesterday. The place is HUMONGOUS! It’s like acres of land. The buildings going up look like they go on forever. I tried to mentally compare it to Buckingham Palace in London and from photos I’ve seen of the USA’s White House. They pale in comparison I think. Surely another entry for the Malaysian Book Of Records. Of course the next thing that popped into my mind was WAFFOR ah? Then I thought okay la the Brits only have one old queen to house but we have ….how many?.....nine I think. So need a bigger house lor. Right or not?

But my 10 year-old daughter Laura asked the embarrassing question which I must admit I couldn’t answer. When I told her what the gigantic building site was she asked why it was necessary to build a new istana. “The old one is good.” And when I told her that it was going to cost RM800 million or more she asked rather innocently why the Chinese Government type school she goes to couldn’t get money to build a new canteen while 800 million is spent on a new palace?

I am ashamed to admit that we drove the rest of our journey in total silence.

Niamah!!!

Wook-ie! This is good!

Come. Let me rub those thoughts right out of your head.


Transcript

Hi this is Patrick Teoh. And now for something completely different. This story in today’s Star asks, “What is the secret that allows a woman who is 70 years older than her husband to keep her man happy?” I am sure you have all read about the 108 year-old Wook Kundor who is married to a 38 year-old man who is her 23rd husband. So what is her secret? Apparently, it is her massage techniques which she learned from her ancestors. Whenever her husband begins to talk about younger women she will massage him and this dissuades him from his wandering thoughts she says. But when she was asked about her massage techniques she refused to disclose them except to say that while massaging she would concentrate on rubbing the sensitive parts of his body. Ahhhhh…..now I am beginning to get the picture. I guess when she’s got him by the balls it isn’t too hard to forget about younger women. For a while anyway.

This amazing 108 year-old lady also said that she had used the same massage technique to keep her previous 22 husbands true to her until their death.

Wah! And until now I thought that too much of that kind of ‘massage’ will make you go blind. Apparently, it will kill your ass too.

Niamah!!!

Some more useless projects

Laluan Terhad? Who gives a fuck!


Transcript

Hi this is Patrick Teoh. I think I’d like to title part of today’s blog Some More Totally Useless Projects. And we all know that our country is full of those don’t we? Today’s latest example of total uselessness is front-paged in the Metro Section of The Star. The central edition that is. You folks up north and down south probably have other news stories of how your tax money is being wasted. The story’s headline is rather misleading. Ban Kicks Off it says. What ban? Well, it seems that from today 3 stretches of PLUS hiways will be off limits to vehicles weighing over 10,000kgs. During peak hours. When I read that my first reaction was NIAMAH!!! What the fuck la. Again ah? Then the news story confirmed my cynicism. On the sidebar the caption was “Since 1994, heavy vehicles have been banned from entering the KL city centre during peak hours but a lack of enforcement has failed to deter many of the drivers.” And the Star’s stakeout team discovered over a 2 day period that heavy vehicles still used banned routes despite the ban which has been in force since 1994! So what gives? Why make more announcements and erect more costly signboard instead of enforcing an existing law? It makes you mad doesn’t it? To see police and DBKL totally ineffective even in enforcing parking laws. How many times have you driven past rows of parked cars on what should be the left lane of a major highway! Oh and we shall not go into the daily examples of drivers ignoring red lights right under the noses of traffic policemen. And now they want to enforce some more stretches of roads and highways to prevent usage by heavy vehicles during peak hours. Who you kidding?


Niamah!!!

Nuffnang