Tuesday, June 28, 2011
The Bersih 2.0 rally is happening July 9, 2011. Are you sure what it is all about? If you don't know or if you have been side-tracked or if you have forgotten. It isn't about race, rights and privileges, over-
throwing the government or waging war against the Agung. It is not an Opposition initiative.
It is about...
1. Clean the electoral roll
2. Reform postal ballot
3. Use of indelible ink
4. Minimum 21 days campaign period
5. Free and fair access to media
6. Strengthen public institutions
7. Stop corruption
8. Stop dirty politics
That is ALL.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
It is not their fault. The American experts dah confirm da. After all, they made Avatar so they must know kan? Tun pun da cakap dulu.
Datuk T: So okay. You are very sure that the video is genuine kan?
American Expert: Yes, we have done our extensive investigations and all sorts of tests and we can safely say that the video is genuine and it has not been tampered in any way. Or has any computer generated images added or enhancements done to it. Although I would suggest you use a better quality video cam the next time you want to make a porn movie.
Datuk T: So the fler in the video is Anwar Ibrahim?
American Expert: Who? What are you talking about?
Datuk T: The fler who fucked the prostitute in the video tu. He is Anwar Ibrahim kan?
American Expert: We don't know who the fuck this Ann Woa is and we don't fucking care. Just hand over the money. We got appointments with the guys from Sudan next. Ok? Thank you.
Datuk T: Ni okay juga bro. Suruh Star menulis headline macam ni, "It is Anwar". Ha! Semua pakcik, makcik kampung mesti percahaya dan kita akan menang! Kao tim! Phwaaar! Besssss ni bro. Jom gi shopping dulu.
American Expert: Errr...I think you forgot one little detail?
Datuk T: Apa tu? What is that?
American Expert: (rubbing thumb and fingers together...)
Datuk T: Oh! Sorry ah. Oi! Thamby mana Australian briefcase Taib tu? Bagi la dia.
American Expert: Thank you. Now fuck off. And close the door behind you. Please.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
We must be moderate!!! You understand?
Some days are just days when you want to shout out loud What the FUCK!!! Today is one of those. Okay. First of all, the prime minister, Najib Razak makes this big announcement at the Langkawi International Dialogue which was reported in The Star like this...
Moderation is the way....Najib's call to stand united against extremism gains support.
I am not sure what the fler was referring to in his speech la. Whether it is some big international issue that required moderation or what. But in light of what's been happening right here in Malaysia the past couple of weeks doesn't the prime minister's statement make you want to vomit? Moderation issit? Stand against extremism issit? While some clown right here in the prime minister's own backyard is allowed to make seditious threats of racial violence and go unpunished? Not even so much as a slap on the wrist? When even Umno's own Khairy Jamaluddin has called for action against the fat clown for making racist and seditious statements and threatening the Chinese community and yet the clown is allowed to continue with his extremist rants. But of course our dear prime minister was just telling that rubbish to all the flers from Africa la.
Maybe they all more gullible la. Or maybe they just needed a good laugh.
The other WTF! story in The Star today concerns Sudanese president, Omar al-Bashir. This man is accused by the International Court of genocide, crimes against humanity and war crimes in his country. Wikileaks also allegedly revealed that he has embezzled state funds amounting to US$9 billion! But with 1 stroke of the pen The Star has almost cleared his name by praising him as a "leader much maligned by the international community". Phwaaaar! Good or not? The columnist also described his absence from the Langkawi International Dialogue as a "missed opportunity" for Malaysia. Well, maybe that is true la for some of our flers here in Malaysia. A fler who can allegedly embezzle US$9 billion might have lots to share.
Friday, June 17, 2011
The brave boys in blue on their way to a march...sorry I mean a rally. Got to get the category right.
It's Friday so I thought I would try and look for something funny to post up here for the weekend. There's not really been much that is funny in the newspapers recently. Okay la so we all thought Ng Yen Yen's spend of RM1.8million to build 6 Facebook pages for Tourism Malaysia was quite funny. Actually, her explanation on video was quite entertaining too......
And did you notice her choreographed hand gestures? That was genuinely funny. And in the funnies stakes she was just ahead of deputy prime minister, Muhyiddin Yassin who announced to anyone who still wanted to listen that "...we (I suppose meaning Umno or/and the BN government) have nothing to hide especially when it involves public expenditure." If not for the DPM the 1st part of the week would have been positively boring. Reality comedy-wise. Thank you, YB.
And while leafing through today's Star I found a couple of funnies to share with you. The first one is on page 2 titled Umno Youth plans march. Apparently, in a case of "if you can't beat them join them", Umno Youth chief, Khairy Kamaluddin announced that the wing will be organising a march on the same day the Bersih 2.0 flers plan to demonstrate for fair elections. Okay la, so some of you are really worried about what is going to happen on the day of the march (-es) and if there might be violence and injuries. So what is so funny about that, you ask? Well, for one Khairy announced that the reason for the Umno Youth demo is "to create awareness on the shortcomings of the election system and propose suggestions to improve the election process." Huh? Isn't that what Bersih 2.0 wants to do? So why is Umno Youth organising their own march to demand the same thing? Why not join with Bersih 2.0? After all both groups are Malaysians wanting a better-run country ma. Regardless of race some more. That would be truly 1Malaysia, right? Or a step in the right direction. But being that I guess it will never happen. Now, that's funny. This next bit also very funny one...
Khairy alleged that many voters' names were moved by the Opposition from its winning Parliamentary constituencies to losing ones. You understand that or not? When I read that I was also confused. Huh? What? So I did some asking around. What the accusation meant was this. Let's say Mr.X of Opposition won with a majority of 20,000 in the last election when all he needed was a simple majority of 10,000 to credibly keep the seat. So he got surplus lor. So Mr. X then gets the other 10,000 flers who voted for him to all agree to go to the national registration department and change their addresses and then re-register with the new addresses so that they can vote in the constituencies where the Opposition is weak. Now if you're a Malaysian you will know what an incredible and impossible task that is going to be. But Khairy says that is what is happening. Maybe he knows how it's done. From experience.
In the same Star story it is also reported that DPM Muhyiddin warned that Bersih should think "carefully about what it is doing and its effect on the country and impact on the people." That is also funny. In a 'hmmmmmm......' kind of way.
In the meantime, Puteri Umno has joined a "chorus of protests" against the planned Bersih 2.0 rally Actually why is the Umno one called a march and Bersih one called a 'rally'? March got no water-cannon and tear gas issit? And why no protests against the Umno Youth "march"?
Eh? I just thought of something. Both the March and the Rally are going to be heading to the Agung's house, the Istana to present their cases to His Majesty. Then how ah? Interesting leh.
Wah! Actually this week ending quite funny la.
p/s And have a great Father's Day!
Wednesday, June 08, 2011
The first thing I heard as I stepped out of my car in front of the legendary Kedai Makanan Canning Garden was this resonant voice projected from the depths of the diaphram. The owner of the voice stood over a plastic chopping board, a plastic chopper in his hand. Resolutely cutting pages of white chee cheong fun into strips. This was the man whose chee cheong fun stall I had been looking for that morning to satisfy my craving for some good Ipoh-style chee cheong fun. Ok, for the less-informed chee cheong fun is literally translated into pig's intestine noodles although that part of the pig's anatomy is not used in the preparation of this quintessential Ipoh-ite breakfast food. Ok, back to the man. He was swearing in Cantonese that would make a Triad hitman blush. It appeared that was part of his charm because none of the queue of customers seemed to take any notice of his reference to parts of their parents anatomy liberally spiced with descriptions of what they could do with their orders for "less soya sauce", "more chili, less sweet sauce", "no shalllots" and the list did indeed go on to an extent that it would test Job's patience. But his swearing seemed to concentrate on how busy he was and that he didn't have the capacity to listen to everybody at the same time.
I went and stood next to him. And when there was a pause in his rants I slipped in saying, "Excuse me, can you tell me when you have time for me to tell you what I want? I can see you're busy so I am asking you to tell me when I can speak to you." That seemed to shock him. He paused his chops of the oily noodles. Took a long look at me and then...SURPRISE! He asked me for my order despite the fact that there were at least 4 customers ahead of me. A minute later his assistant shoved a large metal plate of chee cheong fun at me and barked "Sarm kao yee!" 3 Ringgit 20 sen. I took the plate, sat down at a nearby table and enjoyed my breakfast while watching the next customer curse when told that I had taken the last order of chee cheong fun available for the day.
The famous Canning Garden chee cheong fun. It is more chewy than the factory-produced variety that we KL folks are used to but definitely more tasty. I like mine with just soya sauce and oil although you can order it with a variety of other toppings. Curry pigskin, mushroom sauce or even (gasp!) a thick gravy of prawn paste.
The guru of chee cheong fun, Ipoh-style. Depending on whom you speak to this fler has been selling his chee cheong fun on the same corner of the kedai makanan for 30, 40, 50 years. But looking at him I would say 40 is the closest. He looked like in his early 60's. Quite trim which meant he probably never ate his own oily cooking. Tobacco-stained teeth. And an attitude. When I spoke with him later he informed me that Ipoh people were the most difficult, fussy customers in the world. More of that, less of this, don't cut it too thick, don't sprinkle sesame seeds...if I get gastric from your pickled green chili you pay for my doctor's bills ah? I forgot to ask his name. But I am sure that I shall visit his stall again. And maybe even introduce him to.......