SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDIL FITRI

WISHING ALL MUSLIM MALAYSIANS

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDIL FITRI

Hands up if you know the answer

Okay, everybody listen up......

How many of you think that Barisan Nasional is screwing up the country and need to be voted out at the next General Elections put your hands up.........Phwaar!  So many hands up.  Thank you.

How many of you think that Pakatan Rakyat will do a better job when they get into Putrajaya put your hands up.........Good, good, good quite a few hands up.  Thank you.

How many of you know what Pakatan Rakyat's plans are to correct all the things you think are wrong with Malaysia's management/governance put your hands up...........ok let me see......one, two, three....okay not so many hands.... Thank you.

How many of you have read the manifestoes of the parties that make up Pakatan Rakyat, namely DAP, PKR and PAS? You don't know what a manifesto is ah?  Okay a manifesto is defined as a written statement declaring publicly the intentions, motives or views of its issuer.  In other words their plan for things la.  So how many have read any one manifesto of DAP, PKR or PAS or Pakatan Rakyat as a whole please put up your hands.......come on don't be shy.....

You can read the Pakatan Rakyat manifesto HERE

It will be useful next time you attend a ceramah or fund-raising dinner or any event where PR people are speaking.  After listening to all the wonderfully entertaining stories about anti-corruption, competitve open tenders, welfare dividends for the rakyat, equitable policies etc you can ask them questions about their plans for the future of Malaysia.


Niamah!!!

Very confusion la.

It is not so simple. But what we can do immediately we will do la. Of course we can hold elections immediately because that is our prerogative kan.

First, Bersih walked/marched/demonstrated for clean and fair elections. They say a lot of things not right. Postal votes, registered voters who are more than 100 years old, dead voters even.  Then the government said okay we will form this Parliamentary Select Committee and sort things out. They appoint 9 flers to do this job. Then they argue with Opposition flers about who should lead the committee with someone coming out to suggest that the Speaker should lead. Why? Because the fler is IMPARTIAL wor!  Phwaaar!!! (Pssst...I've got this Lorex watch. Cheap. Genuine one. Only RM50 for you special.) Okay, okay still they were going to correct the wrong things in the electoral rolls and whatnot la. Then we all heaved a sigh of relief. Ahhhhh...finally on the way to fair and clean elections.  AND THEN...........

Najib announces that the next general election can happen anytime and that setting the date of the election is the prerogative of the ruling government!!! HUH!!! But if things not yet corrected how to have elections? The the Najib fler go and tell us that the elections are not and cannot be bound by the works of the Parliamentary Select Committee on Electoral Reforms. He also said the garmen will try to implement any suggestions that the PSC comes up with before the elections. He also said that the PSC would discuss and decide the types of improvements to be made to the electoral process.  The question I want to ask is that if the PSC has not yet finalised it studies and given its recommendations how can elections take place?

But of course being the PM, Najib has an answer. He said, "We will try, there must be something that can be done immediately. What we can do immediately, we will do immediately."  Hahahahahaha...ya?

But WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN?

You confusion or not? And then ah, if you notchet registered to vote, this weekend is probably your last chance. So if you don't enjoy being screwed from behind like some fuls...I mean fools we know,  I suggest you go and register la.


NIAMAH!!!

Weekend funnies

Yay!!! It's Friday and the start of a weekend. And being Friday I went looking in The Star for some weekend funnies to share with you all. And I was not disappointed. There are quite a few.  But here are some to get you started on your own quest for weekend MSM comedy.

#1

Okay, let's start with the front page The Star's Metro (Central edition. Not sure if you folks in other parts of Pen. MY got this too).  There is this colourful photo of a row of Jalur Gemilang bunting stretching into the distance.  The story was titled, "See stripes". And I must admit I was seeing something when I read the accompanying caption. It read......


As the ultimate sign of patriotism, pillars at the Institut Latihan DBKL in Bandar Tun Razak are draped with the Jalur Gemilang. A young man is seen admiring the final effect.

Alright, at first you may not find anything funny about that story. But read the caption again. The word used is ULTIMATE.

Putting up a few flags when ordered to do so is the ULTIMATE sign of patriotism?  Is it? Then we are indeed a sad country lah.  And if you look at the face of the young man in the photo, admiration would appear to be furthest from his mind at that moment in his life.

#2

Remember a few days ago I echoed by friend's suggestion that the compulsory acquisition and perhaps eventually destruction of the heritage buildings in Chinatown, Petaling Street was just a government side-show? And that it was to give a chance for MCA and Barisan Nasional to regain Chinese support? Of course, days after that post went on niamah.com Chua Soi Lek visited Petaling St. and reassured all the affected flers there "Not to worry. We shall kao tim for you one." And today in the news it is reported that Syed Hamid Albar (remember the fler who handed our little piece of rock in the middle of the ocean to Singapore?) who is the Land Public Transport Commission chairman, said "MRT alignment can be discussed" one. "We are willing to talk and listen to anyone regarding (the) project, he said.

Phwaaar! Really ah? Then how come didn't talk before making the announcement about the acquisition? People make noise only now want to talk issit? Why?  And by the way, I would like to ask Syed Hamid Albar, as chairman of the Land PUBLIC Transport Commission, how many times in the past 10 years has he used public transport?

#3

Hidden in page 4 of the main paper, The Star reports some funnies by the Deputy Prime Minister.  the headline was "Language breaks barriers, says Umno deputy chief".

Phwaaar!  Good right? And just when you might want to cut our YB's some slack you read that what the DPM and the Selanyang Umno fler Subahan Kamal were actually doing was calling on our police flers to learn 2 other languages besides Bahasa Malaysia!!! English is good, said the Subahan fler. Then our mata-mata can chit chat with the tourists. Maybe he doesn't realise that most of the tourists that come to Malaysia these days speak either Mandarin or Arabic.  And I am very sure that most of the police flers present at the functions as well as those reading the news stories were thinking, "Hiyah! Give us better salaries and better working conditions la. Then we can free ourselves from worrying about where the next meal is coming from and if our children are getting the care they deserve."

But I am sure that is not in the DPM or the Subahan fler's portfolios la. So don't talk, okay.

But the funniest weekend funny is buried in page 24 of the main paper and titled "The army is apolitical"


#4 

It was reported some days ago that some army flers had squealed that they were ordered to vote for their officers and their wives.

Apparently, this pissed the armed forces big boss off. So this fler, Jeneral Zulkifli Mohd Zin announced, or rather threatened very loudly .........


The people need to show their support for the army's role in the country. How can we be loyal to you if you are disloyal to us.

In some countries that fler would have been taken out and lynched for saying something like that. But this is Malaysia and so it becomes just another weekend funny.

You have a great weekend okay?


NIAMAH!!!

A very different Malaysia

At the risk of being called racist, unpatriotic or disrespectful of someone's religion I just thought that this is a example of how much we have changed since the days of Tun Razak, Najib's father and Bapa Pembangunan Malaysia.  Someone sent me this....

It is pages from a programme book of the KGMMB (Kesatuan Guru-Guru Melayu Malaysia Barat's 1968 AGM.................

The cover of the programme booklet....

The advertisement which appeared on Page 2......

And on the facing Page 3, the message from Tun Razak, then Deputy Prime Minister....

What a different country we were back then. Better? Worse? You will have to decide that for yourself.

Somebody obviously forgot to take the booklet off the shelves in the national archives or the library where it was discovered.

Niamah!!!

Job Vacancy

Damansara Village Steamboat Restaurants 

has a vacancy for a RESTAURANT CAPTAIN. 

Salary from RM1,600 up depending on experience and suitability. 

For interview please call 012 2846181

Since I posted this up on Niamah.com we have received exactly 0 applications. This could mean:-

a)  Malaysians aren't interested in this kind of work

b)  Malaysia has full employment

c)  All the legal foreign workers are busy getting themselves registered to get their blue IC's and vote

The job is still open. So if you are interested or know of someone who needs work, call us.

Niamah!!!

Conspiracy Theory 101

Hiyah! Mo mun tai! MCA will kao tim for you.

The Chinese flers in Petaling Street are pissed!  The government recently announced that they were going to acquire properties in the area for the MRT project.  In fact, they have already served compulsory acquisition notices on 34 shops. Wah! How can? Destroying our heritage! Breaking our rice bowls! Phwaaar! A lot of unhappiness down there in Chee Chong Kai man!  And who can blame them. Some of those flers have been doing business there for decades and like it or not the whole area is like a big tourist draw which Ng Yen Yen has used on her numerous promotions trips around the world especially now to one of Malaysia's biggest tourism markets, China. And if business in Chinatown is adversely affected where are all the Bangladeshi's, Nepalese, Pakistani's, Africans going to find work? So the traders and owners in Chinatown are up in arms. The PR flers are also there to support and call on the government to re-draw the MRT lines so that Kuala Lumpur's cultural map is not affected.
 
But just the other evening a friend told me, "Hiyah! No need to shout so much la. It's just a show only. It's part of Umno/BN strategy to regain some Chinese votes ma."  Huh? How? Simple what. You just wait a few weeks and see.  This is how it will happen.


The Chinese flers in Petaling Street will continue to get pissed about things. The PR flers will make more statements condemning the Umno/BN government for not being sensitive to this, that and the other. And then............


Chua Soi Lek and the "knights" of the MCA will ride in and announce that they have petitioned the government, on behalf of the Chinese community, to re-think the MRT and Chinatown acquisition plans. Then, Najib or Nazri or one of those flers who happens to be not on holiday at the time, will say OK! Then CSL will tell the Petaling St. flers, "See? Only MCA can give Chinese flers good representation in Parliament ma. So vote for us lor. By the way, can give more discount on that gold Lolex ah?"


That's the latest conspiracy theory in Malaysian politics. Can one ah? What you think?

Niamah!!!

Ngeh Ngeh Kong

The most misleading newspaper headline award today goes to The Star. They wrote...

Explain proper way to raid a church, Kong tells Ngeh

MCA's Kong

DAP's Ngeh

We RAID places of worship so often these days that there are proper and improper ways to do so now? And not to sound personal about it la but the names of the 2 flers signal that the story would be quite tragically funny. You can read it HERE

NIAMAH!!!

Sort of an open letter to Citibank

Citibank said, "Congratulations! You have just been upgraded to a world of added privileges."  Phwaaaar!  Good or not? I have been a Citibank credit card user since 1990. I have a Gold card. Always paid my bills on time and always paid in full. So yesterday, Citibank thought I might like to be upgraded to the Platinum Card and enjoy a  world of added privileges. Although even after reading through the enclosed literature I could not discern any of those privileges other than getting more points at certain retailers and being able to buy Business Class airline tickets at a discount. Something which I cannot afford anyway.  But I thought that since they offered I might just accept la and give the battered ego a boost with a piece of platinum-colored plastic in my wallet. And so I called the number given to 'activate' the card and spoke to a very nice officer who explained things very clearly and politely. Then I was asked to verify that I was indeed the Patrick Teoh to whom the invitation was extended.  What is your old IC number, sir?  What is your address, sir? What is your last transaction, sir and where? When did you last settle your Citibank card bill, how much was it and how did you make payment? And the questions just went on and on and I must admit that I did not manage to answer them to the satisfaction of the interrogating officer. Not because I was an imposter but because my old brain couldn't remember all the details. So in the end, I said thank you to the nice lady on the phone and decided to stick to my trusted old Citibank Gold Card and hung up thinking that rewards from credit card companies aren't really what they are made up to be and I went and popped a blood pressure pill.

Niamah!!!

WHAT THE FUCK???!!!

This has got to be the most offensive Ramadan television advertisement EVER! Thanks to 8TV! Still want to watch them and give them ratings? You decide.

Ooops! They have removed the video fromYouTube. Is there anyone who has downloaded the video to share? Let me know.

Just found this one...



Since this TV ad came to light a lot of people have commented saying that it is racist. But it isn't. The girl in the video could have been Malay, Chinese, Indian, Kadazan or any of the 100+ ethnic groups in Malaysia. The effect would have been the same. It just shows a total lack of good taste and a total absence of creativity in communication.

NIAMAH!!!

Hiyoh! Really Niamah la!!!

Hiyoh! Don't worry what I say. Just follow aje la! Faham tak?

Over the last couple of days there have been several incredible stories that have appeared in the MSM as well as the online alternative media.  And most if not all of the events reported definitely will qualify for entry into Ripley's Believe It Or Not la.

#1

Did you read about Najib's unbelievable announcement about not wanting to say whether he is Malaysian 1st or Malay first? It was reported in The Malaysian Insider HERE.  The Prime Minister was asked this 'sensitive' question by a student when he attended the Malaysian Student Leaders Summit. Najib refused to openly declare himself a “Malaysian first”. Why?  His alleged answer will stun any Malaysian into total disbelief. Najib's answer was that he did not, ‘want to respond in a way that will divide me from my deputy. In Malaysia, that can be very dangerous’.  If you have ever felt like just a pawn in a giant Malaysian game of politics that statement from the PM should have removed all doubt.  But that is not all, Najib allegedly continued and said “1 Malaysia is our guiding philosophy. It does not matter what you say, just as long as you follow.”  If anybody can credibly explain what the fuck that means I will buy you dinner.  It does not matter what you say, just as long as you follow? Follow whom? Follow what? Is it like I will follow 1Malaysia concept but you're a fucking pendatang and should be grateful for what scraps you get so shut the fuck up? Sorry I said the last bit la but I follow 1Malaysia concept. 1 for me and 1 for you ma. Get it?

#2

The other current thing happening that is quite frighteningly amusing is this registration of legal and illegal foreign workers. And ya, the biometric system. First of all I'll bet none of you reading this can fully explain or understand what it is and what it actually does for the country, this biometric thing-a-ma-jig. Can you? I can't. But I do know that since the name BIOMETRIC started being bandied around by the flers from the Home Ministry there has been nothing but fuck-ups. Remember how the system collapsed at the Johor Immigration check-points? Now we read about the system collapsing daily while being used in the registration exercise. But that is not what gets my goat about this registration thing.

Registering legal foreign workers?  Now, that statement alone is quite confusing. If they are not registered workers doesn't it make them illegal workers? And if they are illegal foreign workers how did they get work here in the first place? And shouldn't they be penalized instead of registered?

Registering illegal foreign workers and offering them amnesty?  If they are illegal foreign workers working here shouldn't they be deported? After all, we deport people for simple things like making a speech at a dinner party. So why are we wasting time and money registering these illegal workers? So they can come in, work illegally and then get registered to become "legal"? Very strange Malaysia Boleh system ain't it?

And then ah, what is this amnesty offer to the illegal baargers about? 

My online dictionary defines AMNESTY as the act of an authority (as a government) by which pardon is granted to a large group of individuals.

So what? Does it mean that all those illegal flers from Indonesia, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Philippines, Myanmar etc. are going to get their papers to stay and work in Malaysia? And eventually become Permanent Residents or worse, citizens with voting rights? And all from starting as illegal workers?  

Wah! I've heard that Malaysia is a paradise but this gives that statement new meaning man!


When I read the papers about this registration of legal and illegal workers I discover that there are hundred of thousands of them. Probably totaling past the million mark on final count. Call me paranoid or whatever but this scares the shit out of me with the General Elections coming up soon. We have close to 4 million eligible Malaysians who have not registered to vote. And meanwhile, they are opening counters round-the-clock to register legal and illegal workers. I am not saying that there is any connection at all here. But isn't there something at the back of your mind that tells you something is not quite right?


The only comfort about this registration thing is that it is now Ramadhan and Muslims fast. So the Immigration flers probably ain't working as fast as they can do at punching those biometric machines.


Okay la, I shall leave you today with a story that is not so tearing-out-hair type la.


It is reported in The Star today that a teenaged contractor in Penang is the talk of the town. He was awarded a RM1million contract for a school building project. But what is so funny about the story which is about MCA's Tan Cheng Liang accusing the Penang government about being racist in awarding contracts, is this paragraph in the Star report...

"Wanita MCA deputy secretary-general Tan Cheng Liang claimed that the bumiputra student was awarded the project to construct a double-storey religious school in Batu Maung which has since been completed."

This MCA woman seriously needs a brain re-tweak. So what if the contractor is 19 years old? So what if he is bumiputra? So what if he is a part-time college student? The important thing is he got the contract through open tender. So he must have met all the conditions set. And he has successfully completed the project he was awarded. Eh hello! Ms. Tan if you want to make some noise also must be a bit smarter la. Go find out if the kid has completed the building without defects and that the quality standards set by the government have been met. Stuff like that la.  Still want to talk about race issit? Now add age some more.

NIAMAH!!!