Award!

With this man around who needs the Opposition?

The award for the Understatement of the Year goes to Tun Dr. Mahathir Mohd. when he announced yesterday that......

“It will be hard (to win) if we don’t field people from outside the party as I find that many of our present leaders are not well-accepted by the rakyat.”


NIAMAH!!!

WooHoo!!!

Sikit bodoh baru boleh, ya.

This is probably old news by now. i wished I had gone downstairs to buy today's copy of The Star instead of lying in and missing this piece of news. But for those of you who still don't know about this, here is a revelation by Dr. M about something which some of us might have suspected all along......

Dr Mahathir said Umno faced a scarcity of competent leaders at the top for decades due to the unwritten policy of restraining those with brains from joining the party
What a great piece of news to get on a Thursday! Thank you, Dr. Mahathir. I never knew I'd ever say thank you to you for anything but I have to thank you for making this announcement. Please don't say you were misquoted. Can?


NIAMAH!!!

Hello everyone. Anybody need a couple of hundred millions to buy condo's and other stuff? Good news. Agriculture and Agro-based Industry Minister Noh Omar announced in Parliament yesterday that the government was planning to invite tenders to take over the beef cattle rearing project from National Feedlot Corporation (NFC). Get your borang-borang now and be on your way to a cushy life. Don't get found out though :-)
Strange isn't it? Notchet find out who was responsible for the fiasco involving hundreds of millions of the Rakyat's money now want to call for tender again. Malaysia Boleh! Apa pun boleh kao tim. You tolong gua, gua tolong you.

NIAMAH!!!

Monday funnies

Smart people kiss as....errr....hands.

It's the start of a new week and a new series of funnies from the MSM dailies. Mainly The Star because it is the only MSM newspaper that I buy as my source of comedy material. My maid also insists that it is the best value for money. She uses old issues for fish and vegetable wrap and The Star has the most pages of any newspaper in town.

Okay, okay...before we start with the Monday funnies I want to share a comment that I received from a Niamah!!! reader this morning. Now, we have all heard stories about our infamous cronyism scandals. The Opposition regularly come out with their expose's. The Barisan Nasional come up with equally credible (?) denials. Etc. etc. etc... but this commenter wraps it up rather nicely I think. He said...

Hishamuddin is Najib's cousin, KJ is Abdullah Badawi's son in law, Mukhriz is Mahathir's son, NFC is Sharizat's family business, Chua Tee Yong (Labis MP) is Chua VCD's son, Mokhzani (Kenchana / SIC Chairman etc) is Mahathir's son, Nasir Razak (Group Managing Director/CEO CIMB) is Najib's brother, S. Vell Paari is our Mr Samy's son... this is cronysim!!!  


Well, it could be cronyism. It could be coincidence. Or it could just be that our political leaders all have very, very talented, entrepreneurial children and relatives.


Okay, now the Monday funnies....


Funny #1


On page N10 of The Star today there is a story headlined "Police force aims high". When I read that I thought straightaway that maybe that's why the police flers always miss the target lor. Aim high ma. So miss the bullseye la. 


Sorry, that was just me trying to be funny. Unsuccessfully, my wife tells me.


(the same story online is headlined "Home safety goes to the next level with vertical policing" which is not much better and equally ambiguous.) 



Funny #2


The next funny is not a piece of news but an advertisement that appeared on page N16 of The Star today. The headline read......


"My auntie got robbed and so was my neighbor. How can we all feel safer?"


My auntie got robbed and so WAS my neighbor? What the hell kind of Engrand is that? Which moronic organisation approved that advertisement?


When I looked further down the ad page I discovered that it was an ad by RTM for one of their TV  programmes.  Then it all became clear. RTM ma. They haven't used English for years.


Funny #3


The Monday Foot In Mouth award must surely go to the MCA prez, Chua Soi Lek. when he told the people, 


"Ask yourself this - have lives been better in states with greater DAP representation since 2008?"


I wonder what answer he expected to hear? Especially speaking in Taiping. So close to Penang. Hahahahaha...sometimes I kill myself.  Sorry ah.

Funny #4

Poor Wee Ka Siong (in case you donch know the fler is deputy minister of education.) His boss makes statements about resolving Chinese teacher shortage and he gets to deal with the shit and get a punch in the face in the process. Wee was heckled and jeered by a 7,000 crowd who had gathered to protest the shortage of Chinese vernacular school teachers. An age old problem. But it was what was reported that Wee said that is so funny.

There is a shortage of Chinese vernacular school teachers so "that is why the Cabinet had formed a committee. I will continue to listen because it is my duty to listen to the community," said Wee.

The problem has been there for 40 years. I wonder now many committees have been formed and how much more listening needs to be done? Funny right? But the funniest bit about this incident comes from the online version of the Star.  The Wee fler had been jeered and boo'd at the fucntion and in the online version of the Star the story was titled, "Wee: I will resign now if it can solve Mandarin teacher issue."  What the fuck???!!! What is this? A school yard fight ah? Mr. Wee, I think you got it a bit wrong la. You and the rest of your flers should all resign because after 40 years you still CAN'T solve shit!!!

Funny #5

The final Monday funny is courtesy of our prime minister, Najib Razak.  In page 2 of The Sun today Najib was reported as saying to some Malaysians in Hulu Langat, "I should be in Sepang to watch the F1 race but Hamilton can wait, Schumacher can wait, the people of Hulu Langat are more important and should be given priority."
PHWAAR!!! Damn good, right? Except that Najib, like so many politicians just does know how to quit while he is ahead.  The prime minister continued that statement by revealing that "Furthermore, Hamilton cannot vote but all of you can vote."  Ahhhh soooo...Thank you, Mr. Prime Minister for giving us priority over those F1 flers. We are so grateful.

NIAMAH!!!

Moron of the week

He has a FB page too. So is he a threat to anything?

The Moron of the Week Award goes to Internal security and public order director Datuk Salleh Mat Rasid for saying that...

the Internet posed a challenge to the police as it allowed people “to know what was going on in and outside the country”

It's a threat because it allows people to know what was going on in and outside the country!!! A threat to whom? 


Oh, by the way the man does have a Facebook page too. Okay, you can scream it out too....
NIAMAH!!!

Weekend funnies

(I seriously think that Najib Razak should consider a change of careers)

Prime Minister, Najib Razak was on radio yesterday. On a Chinese radio station no less!!! I didn't hear the broadcast but did read that he started his session in Chinese when he uttered Chuo San (Good Morning in Cantonese). Phwaar! And as would happen in these cases, the PM's stint on radio generated pages and pages of stories in the local MSM newspapers.  Which is great because these stories provide us with our dose of weekend comedy.

Funny #1

Government willing to preserve shops as heritage buildings in Jalan Sultan .

......was the headline in one of the stories today. Now, if I am one of the owners or business operators in Jalan Sultan I would be pissed off about this. If the blaardy government is so willing to preserve those historic heritage buildings why didn't it come out and say so right at the beginning of the whole hoo-hah?  Protests la. Demonstrations la. Threats. Then now say willing and want to preserve issit? Why? Elections coming issit? The Chinese baargers need some baiting issit? Damn farnieee la.

Funny #2


This next headline can be funny or tragic or ironic depending on how you look at it.

"No Lynas if it is harmful, PM assures the people"

My first reaction when I read that headline was, "Phwaar! No shit Sherlock! How did you deduce that?"

People from Pahang and indeed all over the country have been protesting against Lynas and now the prime minister comes out to say that IF it is harmful then Lynas will not be allowed to operate? He thinks Malaysians are moronic or what?  But there is more. As if to rub some more salt in the wound, the PM continued and said...wait for it....

Those who are against Lynas should have a dialogue with us. We need to know what the technical arguments are against Lynas.

WHAT???!!! The elected government of the people is asking US to tell them what the technical arguments are??? They approved the project, didn't they? Didn't they check the technical arguments first???

Aiyoh, Mr. Najib you really should consider a career in stand-up comedy la. I think you would do much better on stage than in parliament la.

Funny #3

If you're a Malaysian of Chinese origin you should find this next funny quite UN-funny.  Read the headline...

Najib: Govt. serious about solving shortage in Chinese vernacular schools

The PM announced that the government was serious about solving the long-standing problem of the lack of Mandarin teachers in Chinese vernacular schools.

What? After more than 50 years of the same government only now want to be serious ah? Why ah? Elections coming ah? Chinese flers need more baiting ah?

Have a great weekend, people. But don't laugh too much okay.


NIAMAH!!!

Thursday funnies

Fuyoh!!! So light this one. (I got some more appointment today ah?)

Good morning kawan-kawan. There are quite a few funnies in the newspapers today. And since so many of you profess not to buy MSM papers anymore I thought I would share some of the funnies with you la. Can ah?

Funny #1

I woke up today to read that Najib spent some time yesterday launching new look gas cylinders!!! What the FUCK!!! What kind of Prime Minister do we have here? Nothing better to do than launching newly-designed gas cylinders???

The news story raised 2 questions in my cynical mind.

1. I know the PM is a busy man but why spend time launching gas cylinders? Send Rosmah la.

2. Who owns this company Faidhi Holdings Sdn. Bhd. that makes these gas cylinders? And how do they have the clout to get the PM to do the honours?

Do you have any questions?


Funny #2


The Bukit Aman flers have announced that the police flers have some new toys to play with. 

Police will install multi-coloured siren beacon lights on more than 3,000 patrol cars na­­tion­­­wide while policemen on foot patrol will use new vests fitted with led lighting.

Apparently, these new siren lights will en­­hance visibility and make it easier for people to spot policemen on du­­ty.

Again the Bukit Aman flers are quite blur la. As a Malaysian I think that the best way to make the police flers more efficiently is a) to pay them better and make working conditions more conducive and b) recruit better qualified personnel to improve the force.

How are beacon lights on police cars and LED lit vests going to make our police force more efficient? Can one ah? 

Funny #3

Okay la, this funny is actually from yesterday's papers but it's still very funny. 


It was reported in The Sun yesterday that former Finance Minister, Daim Zainuddin warned Chinese Malaysians against voting based on sentiments and emotions. He said that it will not augur well for the country in the long run if the results of the next general election show that the Malay and Indian voters generally supported the Barisan Nasional (BN) while the Chinese mostly voted for the Pakatan Rakyat (PR).
Daim also went on to say the usual political rhetoric la. BN is the most experienced...BN knows how to balance all our sensitivities...BN knows best la basically.  But when I read on one paragraph shocked me and perhaps proved that Daim is talking through his multi-billionaire arse. Here is the bit taken from yesterday's edition of The Sun...


"He said the electorate must know that no government is perfect, and the longer the government stays, the more mistakes it makes, and the Pakatan is no exception."


Mr. Daim, who is the government that has stayed on for sooooooo long? Pakatan meh?


Meanwhile, unconfirmed sources claim it is much better that retired politicians and ex-leaders of countries should just shut the fuck up and...retire.

---o0o---

Aiyoh!!! Laugh so much la today. You have a nice day too, okay?


NIAMAH!!!

It's my party and I can pay if I want to......

It's my party...or rather my daughter's party...

I guess we'd all been expecting it but The ShangriLa Hotel has issued a statement that the Prime Minister himself and not the Prime Minister's Department settled the bill for his (the PM's) daughter's engagement party. As usual most of us Malaysians seem to have missed the trees for the forest leh.

And so Najib paid out of his own pocket to settle the bill for his daughter's engagement party. The bill came up to a total of RM409,767! So, okay being prime minister of Malaysia I suppose Najib draws a comfortable salary. But what I would like to know is this. Does a PM's salary allow him to splurge RM400+++thousands on an engagement party? How much are we actually paying our politicians?

I suppose we won't have to wait long before some statement is issued about how the PM and his wife saved their whole lives to prepare for happy occasions like these. Or that the couple's daughter is a very successful entrepreneur who has made millions cos she is so talented in business and therefore can afford expensive celebration parties etc. etc. etc.

Don't stories like these make you really want to throw up? Excuse me, I feel my lunch coming up....

NIAMAH!!!


p/s Read this related story of better times and a better man......

Tuesday funny

Some possibilities:-

1. Somebody has a great sense of humour in that ad company.

2. Putrajaya has adopted a new election strategy.

3. Najib is laying it on the line and telling it like it is. 

Niamah!!! Hahahahahaha!!!

Friday Funnies

Integrity is our culture, okay? I am anti-corruption. I am part of the 99%

Some of you regular visitors to Niamah!!! have been complaining about my irregular updates of the blog. I must apologise for the tardiness.  It is not that I have become less active in providing some humour in this otherwise fun-less place. It's just that of late I have been more active on Facebook and Twitter. I find them more immediate and more proactive than the blog which is not to say I am going to abandon it la.  Today I thought that since some of your might not bother with FB and/or Twitter that I might copy some of the funnies that I have posted up today for your reading pleasure. Let me know what you think.

Funny #1

Only 1% of Malaysian police personnel involved in corruption says MACC. PHWAAAR!! Damn terror, right? I am sure that thousands of Malaysians must be wondering how and why they always meet this 1% flers! Baarger! 

Funny #2

Tourism Minister, Ng Yen Yen announced that reckless driving and bad attitudes of taxi drivers were the main complaints from tourists. NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!!! Really one ah? Maybe it proves that the last time the YB used a taxi was when they were still horse-drawn eh? 

"The problem needs to be addressed," she said. Phwaar! Really meh? Actually, you're not the first minister of tourism who has made that announcement. For want of something to say in the run up to elections. So how is the YB going to resolve the problem with taxi drivers? She announced that they were going to be given a 1-day training program to improve their image and to turn them into tourism ambassadors!!! Of course, the taxi flers will be paid RM100 to attend the program and also be paid RM100 a month as their 'ambassador' pay. Personally, I think there are other more effective ways of improving our taxi services.

1. Improve the traffic conditions so that taxis (and the rest of us) don't have to be stuck in traffic jams. With meters running.

2. Increase the number of NGV filling stations so that the taxi drivers don't have to waste half their rental hours queuing up for gas fill-ups.

3. Break the crony taxi permit monopolies so that taxi owners can make a better living.

4. Set some better standards to govern vehicle quality and meter fares.

I am sure we could go on with suggestions but you won't be listening, YB. So go on. Give us more announcements about what we already know. Terima Kasih, YB! 

Funny #3

Maybe I stupid la but this is the way I think things work in any civilised place la. 

I want to get a garbage collection and disposal contract from state government. When there is an opening I tender for the contract. As a garbage collector. This assumes that I have the means and the expertise to perform the job I am tendering for and that if my tender is the lowest then I get the contract. Right? Apparently, not. 
I just read that the Selangor state government is buying 50 trash compactor trucks to rent out to its garbage collecting contractors. Got like that one ah? I give you contract to collect rubbish. You tell me thank you but don't have equipment. Then I buy equipment and rent to you at cheaper than what is available on the market. Everything kao tim. Everybody happy. Yes? Phwaar!!! Like that I osso want. Abaden! Maybe the fler was misquoted la. 

NIAMAH!!!

Sunday funnies

PT: I scoured the Internet looking for a photo of Najib with an apologetic look. I couldn't find any. There were lots of photos of Najib happy, "you help me I help you"... but none apologetic. This is the best one I could find. Sorry ah.

Finally, Malaysia decides to emulate something that was done by Singapore. And we chose the wrong thing!!! Instead of learning from dose flers about the MRT, HDB, PIE etc. we chose to copy Lee Hsein Loong's apologetic election strategy.

"Najib apologises to Kedah and asks for second chance"


"We have learnt from the mistakes and we are sorry", he (Najib) said.

Hiyoh! So farny la. Waffor want to do that? The Lee fler also will tell you that his version didn't really work. So, Mr. Najib you think Malaysians will believe you ah? Huh? Oh you mean the apology is only for the Kedah flers?  Oh I see...but dose flers osso not stupid what. But then we, Malaysians are suckers for apologies. Say sorry only everything is forgiven. Although in this case I, as a long suffering, loyal, tax-paying citizen, hope it is not true la. Otherwise, we're screwed. Sorry ah for using strong language. Damn Too Lan d after reading that story in the papers today.

But got summor funny story headline in today's fish wrap.  Take this one for example......

Sharizat: Up to PM to extend my senatorship

Phwaaaar!!! Talk about confidence man! Or is it the newspaper's headline giving out the wrong message? That headline says to me that the woman is arrogantly confident that she will retain her position. Doesn't it?  Hahahaha...maybe she is.

Wait, wait, wait...got one more funny today.

"The Government wants to hear your ideas (about the education system)" says Deputy Prime Minister and minister of education, Muhyiddin Yassin.  The man has a really weird sense of humour la.

For months parents all over the country have been screaming and shouting about what they think is wrong with the system. Not least of all the ding-dong system of teaching Math and Science in B.M. and English. Nobody seemed to hear the 'ideas'. Much less listen to anything anyone was saying. But now, the government "will go directly to the people to hear their views and collect feedback on the education system in a series of nationwide dialogues expected to begin next month."

Phwaaar!!! You sure or not?


NIAMAH!!!

Funny or tragic? You decide la.

You don't like it?  Nah!

Like quite a few Malaysians I have been waiting anxiously to read those letters written by former prime minister Mahathir to the Israeli flers. They have finally been released. I read them. I gagged. See what your reaction is.  I have cut off some slices for you to get a taste to see if you want the whole cake. EnjoySSSS!!!

This is an extract from a letter from PM Mahathir to Israeli PM, Benjamin Netanyahu in 1997. The highlights are mine.....

Within the country disparities in wealth distribution between the indigenous people and those of immigrant origins were resolved through affirmative action in which the have-nots would have a bigger share of a growing economic cake but there would be no expropriation and redistribution of what already belonged to the descendants of immigrants. Everyone has very nearly a fair share now and everyone is fairly satisfied Relations between the different races in Malaysia are good and not disruptive...


Did Mahathir actually say back in 1997 that EVERYONE back then already had a "very nearly a fair share"???  That wasn't what he told us back at home, was it? No la! Where got enough? We're far, far away from the 30% that should belong to Bumiputra.  Maybe he was just trying to impress Benjamin la.


But there is more to make you, as a Malaysian, even more Too Lan! 


In a letter written to Israeli PM, Ehud Barak in 1999, Dr. Mahathir said, 


"The crux of the problem is that no party should revert to the old ways of taking what belongs to others on the one hand and instigating hatred and violence on the other......"


Too lan or not???!!!


You can read the Dr. M letters to the Israelis here.


NIAMAH!!!