Weekend Sunnie

 Take 2 Panadols and see me next week. Ok, that will be 14% more than you paid the last time. Please.

No it isn't a spelling error. I got these couple of stories to share with you from today's edition of The Sun.

1Malaysia. What's it mean? How does it work? Where does it start? I am sure that a lot of us have asked these questions since Najib launched that slogan and started sticking his index finger up our...(okay I shall spare you the details).   But the good folks of Penang have come out to show the rest of us what 1Malaysia is really about. Working together for the common good.

The front page of the Sun today carries the story of how Penang folks want to buy over Penang Port. I am sure that you know that recently the Federal government decided to 'sell' the port to Syed Mokhtar Al-Bukhary who already owns other ports in the country and whose debt levels have often been cited as being a danger sign for the country's economy.

The people of Penang are taking positive steps to keep Penang Port in Penang hands. The Penang Chinese Chamber of Commerce has announced that it wants to buy the entire stake from Seaport Terminal (Johor) Sdn Bhd which was selected by the federal government to take the port private.

Chamber president Tan Kok Ping also announced that the effort, to ensure that the port is developed and managed sustainably, was "to give something back to the people of Penang". And what's best of all, the bid to buy back from Syed Mokhtar will be by a consortium comprising the state Malay and Indian chambers of commerce as well as the Federation of Malaysian Manufacturer.  1Malaysia in action. All communities coming together for the common good.

But I guess it won't go down very smoothly with Putrajaya.  Eh? How can, man? These Penang baargers too much la. Bring out the Perkasa goons! Fire up the race and religion battle-wagon.

We wait to see the games begin. Again. But thank you, Penang. For doing what we should all be doing. Working together for the country we call home.

---o0o---

The slightly not so good news on the front page of The Sun today is the report that very soon going to see a doctor is going to cost more. Up to 14% more the report says. Well, as a working slob I expect such things to happen. But what I find that I cannot stomach is that every time prices of stuff go up in Malaysia there will be one moron (that we elected, by the way) who will tell us that compared to other countries we are better off. The "better than Ghana" syndrome.  This time, with the impending doctors' fees increase, it falls to Health Minister, Liow Tiong Lai (again!) to make the moronic statement.

"Compared to other countries in the world, the fees our doctors are getting are far lower," he said.

Well, pardon me all over the fucking place Liow.  But compared to other countries in the world we also get paid shit for our work. Can you move for us to pay our doctors fees with shit? Thank you.

NIAMAH!!!

Thursday Funnie

Lu tolong gua, gua tolong lu. Look at that face. Would you trust him?

It looks like things have not changed at all. Najib is still using his "Lu tolong gua, gua tolong lu" formula to try and win votes.

This morning's Star carried the story about the continuing water crisis issue in Selangor. Najib announced that the Federal government can solve the problem. But that the solution would involve a state administration which was able to handle the issue well.  Wait...wait...wait...this is the line that made me choke on my chee cheong fun in the kopi tiam in Section 17, PJ.........

Najib said the problem could be resolved by the Barisan Nasional government “but we have to wait until the time comes when the people of Selangor make their choice and choose a government that can do it”.

These days Najib doesn't even bother to veil the threats anymore. It's right in our faces. Nah! So? What you gonna do about it?

---o0o---

I know la. The Star being a BN mouthpiece have to do 'certain' things one, right? And I am sure you have noticed that for the longest time page 2 of the daily Star has been dedicated to Najib stories. Walkabouts. Kissing babies. Eating nasi lemak etc. But what pisses me off as a reader and a Malaysian is how the stories are worded to make Najib look good.  Take for instance today's story on page 2.  It's the same story where Najib issued the threat mentioned above. In the same story it was written that......

He also contributed RM2mil to the construction of the mosque, and RM1.45mil for other mosques and surau in Selangor........and........


HE contributed RM2million to the construction of the mosque???  

What you mean is that he used RM2million of Malaysian tax-payers money to make himself look good. Really la. Our politicians and our news media take us for fools la.

NIAMAH!!!

Paper Crane. A musical.

Opening Friday, 27 July, 2012

Kuala Lumpur Performing Arts Centre (KLPAC)

GET YOUR TICKETS NOW.

This is two funny!

 From the horse's mouth.

Two funnies in the newspapers today....errr....I think there might be 3....or....oh what the hell it's funny la. It's The Star.

I bought my first copy of The Star in quite a few weeks this morning. Actually, I am glad I did. It provided me with a couple of laughs this Saturday morning. I'd like to share them with you.

On page 2 there is a story about Najib playing Santa Claus again. He's given RM60million to "refurbish traditional houses".  Apparently, RM5,000 will be allocated to each family living in traditional houses in villages near FELDA schemes.

1st question. What the fuck are TRADITIONAL HOUSES?
2nd question. How come only traditional houses near FELDA schemes receive this windfall? (In case you've not been following the story, in addition to having a vast land bank FELDA also has a huge VOTE bank.)

Funny #2

On page 14 of the Star there is a story about our "perceived" hero of homeland security, Hishammuddin Hussein.  He's been doing his rounds. Making his presence felt in the media by walkabouts in shopping malls and all. But what caught my eye this morning was his announcement that the Selangor police will hold a weekly media briefing to ensure the public receive accurate information on crime.  Star quoted him as saying, "To avoid half baked stories and allegations we have decided to hold weekly meetings with media representatives. This way, information received will be straight from the horse's mouth."

Farniee or not? Hiyoh!!! Din, we all have stopped listening to your horse a long time already so don't waste your time and the time of the mata-mata all. Solve or prevent crimes instead la. Boleh ke?

Funny #3

Koh Tsu Koon can always be counted on for some good laughs. Although he himself might not be aware of his comedic talents.  In today's story on page 12 he said that bringing the 2 Chinese pandas here will not be a waste of money. Why? Malaysians would get a chance to see the endangered animals and......wait for it.......the animals could also be used for conservation studies.  Pandas for conservation studies in Malaysia???  What the fuck does that mean? Oh sorry. Did I actually just ask Koh for a logical answer?  Sorry about that.

Funny#4

This headline on page 2 doesn't make sense. To me anyway. And not to mention it's in bad and incorrect English. 

"Najib reminds Muslims to unite as one for the sake of holy month of Ramadan"

Unite as one? (errr...an one unite as TWO?) One what? Muslims are already united. Under Islam. All Muslims. All brothers.

Of course, Najib added that "factionalism among the Muslims due to political differences was one of the factors that could weaken Islam in the country." 

Oooooh! You mean Muslims must unite under Umno issit? Then just say so la, baarger.

Hiyoh soooooooooo funny la....please allow me to say a very LOUD......

NIAMAH!!!

...............before I wish all our Muslim brethren a blessed Ramadan.

Paper Crane, a musical. Special concession tickets.

Paper Crane is a musical produced by The Actors Studio and directed by Joe Hasham. The musical written by the team of Khoo Chuan Yik and Teng Ky-Gan and starring theatre luminaries like Roax Tan, Colin Kirton and Lee Elaine also features Patrick Teoh in his first appearance in a musical. It opens in KLPAC on Friday, July 27.

I have a limited number of special concession tickets for sale at RM40 each.
FOR THE PERFORMANCE ON SATURDAY, JULY 28.
These tickets are for the best seats in the house and have a box office value of RM120 each. If you would like to buy them please email me at mortimer53@gmail.com

Only 5 tickets left. Hurry!!!

Friday Funny

Got robbery ah? Wait ah...after this song ok?

 
In The Sun today the Home Minister is still saying that the crime rate we are experiencing these days is merely public perception. In the story he said "public perception of crime is “all important” – and more important than the crime index". But he did make one concession la. He admitted, “For me what is most important is not so much the index, it is the perception. The feeling of the public is all important.” 

Yes, the feeling of the public is all important. And so what does Hishammuddin Hussein, the man in charge of our country's security do?

He goes on a walkabout in a shopping mall!!!

Almost everyday we read about snatch thefts, armed robberies in broad daylight, ATM thefts, car hijacks, murders, kidnappings. And what does the Home Minister do to "REASSURE" us?  He goes and visits a shopping mall's mobile police station, the information counter. And he also inspects the mall's alarm system installed in the parking lot.

Well, pardon me all over the fucking place Mr. Minister. I feel so secure now after what you just did for me. And did you take the opportunity to pick up a couple of things on sale at the mall? For the wife and kids? Did you go listen to the police band that was playing at the mall instead of policing the streets?

I think you doing your job as Home Minister is just a perception too. You're not really there, right? Sorry. Wrong use of words. You're not so much a perception. You're just an illusion.

NIAMAH!!!

Thursday Funnie

 Drops or Deluge

This whole water thing in the Klang Valley is damn funny la.

1.    SYABAS says there is going to be a shortage of water due to big demand for treated water. They said that the current hot and dry season is also contributing to the problem. They show photos of low water levels at some treatment plant.

2.    DAP says that there is plenty of water in all the catchment areas and reservoirs in the state. Enough to satisfy the demand. YB Ronnie Liu even takes a photo standing in front of a reservoir which looked like filled to almost overflowing.


3.    Selangor threatens to take over management of water in the state if SYABAS can't do it properly. Requests for Federal approval.

4.     SYABAS says dry weather going to continue to add to Klang Valley water woes.

5.    People in Petaling Jaya and Kuala Lumpur get caught in traffic jams because of daily downpour of heavy rain. Dry weather? Where got?

6.   Meteorological Department announces that the water crisis in the Klang Valley could become worse as the current southwest monsoon season brings a dry spell and minimal rain until September. HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT EACH THOSE FLERS ANNOUNCE THAT THERE IS GOING TO BE A DRY PERIOD IT RAINS? Every time!

7.    Today I read in the Star that the president of the Association of Water and Energy Research Malaysia (bet you never knew that such a creature exists) announced that “The core issue is not raw water but the supply of treated water, which is not able to keep pace with the rising demand”.  This statement really makes me damned too-lan (pissed off in Hokkein) la. Not able to keep pace with the rising demand? What the fuck does that mean? Syabas is a private company awarded the contract to supply water, right? As a private company shouldn't it have planned for this rise in consumption? What kind of a company is it then? Shouldn't shareholders be baying for blood? And if they can't cope shouldn't the government sack them and give the contract to another more efficient company?

Damned confusing right this water thing in the Klang Valley? But today a bit of light is shed on it la.  The Star reports that a special Cabinet Committee has been set up to discuss the looming water crisis faced by Selangor. And guess who the committee members are?


Deputy Prime Minister Tan Sri Muhyiddin Yassin, Agriculture and Agro-based Industry Minister Datuk Seri Noh Omar, Datuk Seri Idris Jala, Federal Territories Minister Datuk Raja Nong Chik, and Green Technology, Energy and Water Minister Datuk Seri Peter Chin.

I guess we should not hold our breath for a solution to the Klang Valley water problems anytime soon la.  I wonder what else they will try and starve the Klang Valley folks of in efforts to win back the state? You know ah?

NIAMAH!!!

Friday Funny

 The last nail in the coffin

We have all heard of the saying about the final nail in the coffin. Something that happens that puts a close to something. Permanently. But do you know how the final nail going into the coffin SOUNDS like? Okay, listen up...the final nail sounds like this...

Nasyid yes, gospel choir no, says JKKN

I am sure you are familiar with the recent controversy surrounding the announcement that one of the conditions of use of auditoriums managed by Culture and Arts Department (JKKN) is that performances must not contain any elements of religious rituals either before, during or after the performance. But yesterday the folks at JKKN came out and announced that Nashyid performances are okay. But not gospel choirs. Why? Nasyid is chant in Arabic and is merely a music style or genre. Whereas Gospel is music written to express either personal, spiritual or a communal belief on Christian life, as well as to give a Christian alternative to mainstream secular music.

HUH??? 

So what the fuck difference does it make to you flers managing a big hall? In case you've been sleeping for the past half century or so, Malaysia is a multi-cultural, multi-religious country. There are Muslims, Christians, Hindus, Buddhist citizens living here. And they pay taxes to build those auditoriums. And pay your salaries for managing them. And they will want to use them for their own religious or cultural events. So why can't they? Will having a Muslim event, say about spreading the beauty of Islam to non-Muslims not be allowed? Will having a programme of  traditional Christian songs be banned? Will a presentation on the life of the Buddha be viewed as dangerously effective in converting other Malaysians of weak or little faith in their own beliefs?

I wonder if JKKN will approve Shakespeare's MacBeth? Got 3 witches ma. Surely, that is against somebody's religious beliefs. No?

Oh sorry, I forgot to mention. The coffin I was referring to is of course our Najib Razak's 1Malaysia coffin. I am glad the final nail is in. Aren't you?

NIAMAH!!!

 

Wednesday Funny

Rais: Ha.Cam tu. U boleh membantu polis.

Wheelchair guy (thinking): Hahahahaha...saya rasa gembira bab Raja Lawak ni datang.

Red shirt guy: Yes, my sifu will volunteer.

White shirt guy (thinking):  What a tokkok fler this is.

A Wednesday funny! We have not really had very many of these. Not because Wednesday is a particularly UN-funny day of the week in Bolehland but... Actually, I don't really know the reason for there being a lack of Wednesday funnies. Anyway, today there is one that cannot be missed la.

As you know, politicians have to attend a lot of functions. Some official and others of a more social nature. And as politicians they make speeches at these functions. Some prepared by speech-writers. Some improvised on the spot because the speaker imagines himself/herself to be an orator or worse, thinks that speaking "off the cuff" makes him/her sound more sincere and honest. In most cases these politicians are wrong about their capabilities in the oratory department. My sincere apologies for this digression.  Okay, today's funny...

Crime, despite what Hishammuddin Hussein would have us believe, seems to be on the rise. At least in the Klang Valley. Malaysians have been vocal about wanting the police to do a better job. The government has also been equally vocal denying that crime is on the rise and blaming the media for the 'misconception'. And the latter is the reason that got me to notice the otherwise inconspicuous story in The Star today.

The headline read,  

"Help combat street crime, martial arts exponents told".

Huh??? What???

Information, Communication and Culture Minister, Rais Yatim had called on silat, karate, taekwondo etc groups to form a vigilante body to help the policecombat crime!!!

A vigilante group no less. I wonder if Rais knows the definition of VIGILANTE. According to Wikipedia a vigilante is a private individual or group of individuals who undertakes law enforcement WITHOUT legal authority.

"Fighting crime is not only the work of the police. Those who have skills in martial arts can also be roped in to help reduce street crime", he proudly announced to a group of furiously nodding members of  the Warrior Council of Malaysia (Pendekar)

Uncle Rais was in good form when he also advised those Pendekar flers, "As exponents, they can employ non-combatant methods to thwart criminals by using their bare hands. Their agile movements will also be helpful in nabbing the suspects."

Their agile movements will also be helpful in nabbing the suspects???!!! I don't think even the best comedian will come out with a better punchline (pun intended).

The Star story ended with the report that the president of Pendekar promising Uncle Rais that he and his group will work towards forming a vigilante group. I wonder if the president fler knows that vigilante groups are illegal. Does Rais know? And take a look at this quote. Supposedly from Rais la.

“Their approach will differ from Rela. As exponents, they can employ non-combatant methods to thwart criminals by using their bare hands. Their agile movements will also be helpful in nabbing the suspects,”

Differ from Rela? Does that mean the Rela flers will beat the shit out of you?
Employ non-combatant methods to thwart criminals by using their bare hands? What the fuck does that mean? 

We must be the only peaceful democratic in the world where a government minister openly calls for citizens to set up illegal gangs. Rais Yatim continues to amaze us with his (.....add your own word here.....)

NIAMAH!!!